The Letters He Never Sent || Minsung

31

Past
———

How long should i wait before i call him?

Should I tell him that I'm going absolutely insane without his company?

Should i text instead?

I don't like this 'break'. Not one bit. Its only been a couple days, he has to be ready again for me. You can't just lose feelings in two days, but you can feel better in two days. That's for sure, you can feel better. The flu can only take you out for a couple days, so whatever is making him sad cant take him out that long.

I really don't know. I might just be making excuses for him, or myself. Maybe because I don't want to accept the fact that he might not want me anymore, that this 'break' might last longer than I'd think, it might last forever.

Whatever it is, it's killing me.

I lay in my bed, facing the ceiling. I need to get him back, I can't even imagine him not being mine– or me not being his.

I think I'm going to text him.

I lean over and grab my phone of the night table, turning it on. I flinch at the sudden light hitting my eyes, considering it's dark in my room and Im definitely not used to this lighting. I open the messages app and text him.

Sunday 2:34 PM

Can we talk?
delivered

I stare at my phone screen.
Maybe I shouldn't have texted him..

I wonder if anybody else knows about this break. Do I have anyone else I can rant too about this? Actually, I don't know if I want anybody else to know about this. I don't want to come back in January and have everyone staring at me.

We don't get a thanksgiving break, but we get the whole month of December off basically.

So maybe way too many other things will happen over the weeks, and everyone will not pay attention to a silly little breakup between two dance club members. This is why I like not being so popular, not some Keeping Up With the Kardashians shit.

My phone chimes, interrupting my thoughts. I immediately go and check the message, but I am disappointed when I find out it wasn't from Jisung— it was from my chemistry teacher.

MERRY CHIROPRACTOR! Ha-ha typo! Silly me...
Enjoy your break, kiddies!

-Mr. Park

I cringe at the email.

To distract myself, I open me and Jisung's messages again. I stare at the empty messages. I wish he would reply, I really wish he would. I think I deserve some more attention than this... even if we're on a break.

Sunday 2:54 PM

Can we talk?

I'm sorry for bothering you, I just really want
to talk to you again. I miss you.
delivered

I feel silly now.

I don't want to seem desperate, even if I am, I don't want too. He's probably not at all missing me, so I don't want it to seem like I'm not doing the same. I think I made it obvious I miss him though, I quite literally said "I miss you".

I groan and hide my face in a pillow.

Why is this so hard?

I take on last look at the messages, then just say fuck it. If I already seen this desperate, what's stopping me from begging for him back at this point.

I sit up on my bed, getting ready to absolutely beg this man to come back to me. I'm about to say the most gut wrenching things. I want him to know how much I love him, so he can feel better.

Okay.. but how do I express my feelings? I'm not good at this type of thing.

Sunday 3:02 PM

Can we talk?

I'm sorry for bothering you, I just really want
to talk to you again. I miss you.

Jisung?

Please can you just reply.
I really want to talk to you again,
I feel like im going crazy from not doing so.
I am so sorry for everything I did,
even if I didn't do anything to cause this.
I just want you back in my arms,
I miss you so much. I miss your
eyes and your laugh, they way
you can make me smile so easily,
the way you touch me, the way you
get shy when I show affection, the
way you show me you love me.
I want to show you how I love you,
I want it to be my turn to make sure
you feel more loved that anybody
else in the entire world.

Please Jisung, can you let me do that?

Can you let me show you how much you mean to me?

I will never do this to you again. I will never stay silent like that again, if that's what caused this.

I love you more than anything,
I hope you know that.
delivered

By the time I'm done with my little rant, I'm almost in tears. It's so hard to express my feelings, no matter to who. I was never good at doing all that stuff, so the fact that I finally did makes me feel so much better.

I sigh and lay back down.

I wonder what he is doing right now. I wonder if he is reading the preview of these messages, laughing while he shows them to another boy.

No, no, no.

Jisung is absolutely not like that. The fact that I would even think of something like that about him, makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe I don't deserve him if I have those thoughts.

No.

I do deserve him. I deserve to be the one he loves, because I'm trying my absolute best to be the best man for him. If I am trying this hard, I do deserve him. I deserve him, and I am going to become a better man for him— because that's what he deserves.

My phone pings, so I lazily lift it up to check who it is. I'm half expecting it to be my dumbass teacher again, but it's not so i jump up out of my bed.

Sunday 3:14 PM

meet me at the diner tomorrow, 12pm

let's talk