Sparks and Hearts

On the Road

''Breathe'' I said to myself, ''so what if you're anxious? You're safe and your body can handle this!'' Breathe out, ''I accept and allow these uncomfortable sensations and thoughts to just be, I don't resist them, ride out the waves as they come.'' Breathe in, ''run toward it! I'm excited, call your fears bluff, I demand more.'' Following a dare response from a book was in theory, easy. However, putting it into practice was somewhat difficult during a panic attack, when your body shakes, and tingles uncontrollably, every thought is consumed with ''You're dying''. The aftermath of being frozen in place with nothing but thoughts ruminating through my skull from the shitstorm I'd put myself in, it had been years since I had an attack.

Darkness fell long ago, with the hours late into the night but I found myself driving around the city for a while, it may be the last I see of it for a while, maybe even the last time ever. Continuously running fingers through my hair out of nervousness, I took myself to the only space I knew could fix my mental, if only for a while. The aerial studio was my place of peace, flipping, drops and dancing made it easy to forget and only be in the present moment. That was until the rumble of an unmistakable engine echoed across the studio, both it and the music blaring from the speakers cutting off simultaneously.

An ominous feeling ran through my spine as I unlocked the door, stepping out into the cooling night air ''hey,'' I sighed deeply, unsure. He remained still and silent, though I could feel his gaze. ''One chance,'' he replied and his response only but confused me, ''sorry?''

''You have this one chance. You come with me or you stay, but this is your one and only chance and I mean it Berengaria.''

He's giving me an out' I realise, a mixture of relief and absolute dread shot through me making it hard to breathe, logical and illogical calculations as my head and heart fought over his words, I paused, a dangerous choice to leave with him and move forward into an unpredictable future, possibly betray my own. Or stay, and live a mostly predictable life here as if I'd never met him in the first place. Heartbroken, knowing no one else could fill his roll in my life the way he did, with the knowledge that it was only a matter of time before more of his race would come. Either way, it wasn't going to be a white picket fence and flowers life, but with every logical conclusion I came to, I couldn't ever deny it had been the biggest thrill of my life.'Despite everything, I love him deeply. If I go, maybe I have more chance to protect my family, I have his protection and his leverage.' I scoffed 'I sound like I'm using him as some crude insurance policy, which isn't my main motive' but it was the most sane choice for an insane situation. Without him, we are just waiting by the ticking clock. 'I'm in too deep, I'm sick of this yo-yoing, both us were stressed at the pressure of living as we were but neither wanting to let go, they always say love wins.'

''I forgive you, by the way. I know 'I'm sorry' isn't in your vocabulary but I understand the strain and you were mostly right but I suggest you talk to me before flying off the rails.'' Hearing a short huffing before I took a deep breath, ''I'll be ready at dawn.''

Making up the excuse that he had been working and preparing to take me back home himself was easy enough. I'd managed to convince them that he had been thinking about leaving the city for a while and ''Officer Cade'' was high up in the force to allow such quick transfers. As if it was meant to be. I stood in my now vacant bedroom, void of all my belongings and lacking the personality it gained over my stay. My mood was firm in my choice, guilt welled up in my gut. But, this was ultimately the choice I'd made to not lose anyone in my life. 'I can't lose him or them and by leaving, I'm able to keep them protected.'

''Are you sure you can't stay just a few more days? The house will be fine, it's only a few days to New Year'' Mum's voice wavering.
''I need to go mum, I-I have to see what's happened.'' I sighed, tired from lack of sleep, among other things. She nodded defeated and deflated, as I embraced her tightly in my arms as she whispered   ''I thought you'd stay, you know. Here, with Cade, and settle down.'' Shutting eyes tight as begin to blur my vision, ''it's not home to me Mum. I'm healed and need to fly the nest again at some point, but I'm so grateful to you and Dad for taking care of me. I love you.'' Embracing her hold tightly as give in to the emotion. Barricade was waiting patiently outside, his alt-mode packed up with everything while his holoform stood leaning against his hood, arms folded, his figure of authority never leaving him as he spoke to Aydon. I placed my fingers on the door frame as I passed, like a final goodbye to the house. 'Time to go'  Walking out a familiar figure caught interest in the corner of my eyes, Sam was watching from the window trying not to draw attention, though he would've have had far more luck with a lamp shade on his head. An subtle affirmative nod was all I could give him.