Fated Risk || Completed

Chapter 6 || Worthy Risk?

Sophia.

I have never slept with someone in my bed. Even my ex, we never got to the stage of overnight's. So, my entire life, I spent it sleeping alone. I'm used to having the bed to myself and being able to turn without bumping into someone. But right now, there is a tiny hand laying on my face, and his body is so close to me that I can feel his body heat. I almost feel bad having to move, but I know I need to get up.

He should be in his own crib. I'm aware that it's not healthy to let him into my bed. According to all the parenting books you must let them cry it out, because it builds independence. But nowhere in those books does it tell you how to stop myself when his looking at me with big glossy eyes from him crib, and a wobbling lip as he tries to reach over the crib for me. No one tells you how badly it's going to hurts to know that he just wants closeness, security and that I have to say no.

I couldn't do it and maybe that makes me weak, but I just couldn't say no. So here he is, in my bed for the second night in a row. This is his first weekend with me since he was dropped off on Friday and the amount of time's his asked me if he has to go soon has splintered my heart piece to piece. It's heart wrenching that he still thinks this is temporary. To know that he thinks he doesn't have a home where his wanted. So, fuck independence, his had enough. Now I'm going to smother him until he knows he matters.

I thought if we went out and bought him some toy's that he personally picked out he would see that his here to stay. But now he has a room filled with toys, and his questions remain. I thought when he helped me hang up all his new clothing, he would understand his staying, but he asked anyways. So, I'm lost, and we have fallen into a pattern of him asking over and over, and me giving him the same answer. Even now as I slid out of this bed and get up, I feel this guilt stealing my well to leave. I hate leaving him, especially when his not fully comfortable yet. When his so uncertain of his position in my life, in my heart. What he doesn't know is his now my everything. I might not be his mom biologically, but I will be in every way it counts.

It's an adjustment period for both of us. And as I made my way to shower, I had to force myself not to go back to him. After I showered, did my makeup, and curled the ends of my blond hair, I made my way out of my bathroom and into my closet. I checked to see he was still sleeping, curled up with his teddy. I stopped in the middle of my closet, deciding what I wanted to wear today. Honestly, it's become some game. I call it how big can I make Maddox's eyes go today. It's quite fun, and how shamelessly he does it is even more exciting. He like to bend the rules, see how far he can push before it's too far, and I liked that. I liked that his not afraid to push, but in a way that held respect. Because with every compliment he gives me, I can feel him holding back just an inch so that it remains appropriate. I wonder how inappropriate his mind can get.

Deciding on something a little more comfortable today, I wondered over to my pants. Pulling out a pair of white khaki's, I threw them onto the swivel barrel chair standing in the middle of my closet. I glanced around my tops, finding a black laced body suit that dipped a little lower but not enough for it to be inappropriate and grabbed it. Then I pulled my white cropped blazer off the rack and started to get dressed. Once I had my clothing on, I walked over to my shoe rack and picked up a pair of black Jimmy Choo pumps. I sorted through my necklaces, finding the gold locket I wanted and paired it with gold watch.

Finally, I paused in front of my mirror, inspecting the outfit. I looked good, confident, yes, but I felt it lacking today. "Sofi?" I spun at the tiny voice, strolled out of my closet where Jax was sitting up on my bed with his teddy bear in his arms and tears in his eyes. "I go?"

My heart lunged into my throat as I walked over to the bed. "No, Jax. You aren't going anywhere." I replied in a gentle tone. I stopped in front of him, and he reached up with his arms telling me he wants to be picked up. I wrapped my arm around his butt and placed him on my hip. His little hand came around my neck, and the other held his bear. "Sofi is go?"