Fated Risk || Completed

Chapter 27 || The Lab Rat

Maddox

"Kirsan, I said fucken no." I scowled, scooting forward in my office chair, a string of worry starting to pull at my breath. But it was the way Kirsan's dark oak eyes lifted up to me from his phone, and the way he raised his brow as if he didn't see the problem with his proposal that told me I should seriously be panicking. Me, personally, I see a giant problem with this suggestion. Mateo, who sat beside him, unbothered and amused while he watched this horror show unfold, hid his chuckle into his fist. I'm about to throw my fist at him. The fucker wasn't even pitching in any help to get his lunatic brother under control, not a single word. No, he was smirking like he's thrilled to see what kind of shit his brother's about to start.

Kirsan's attention pinned on me too heavily. "You said you were ready to try it my way." he deadpanned, annoyances flaring up in his tone.

"I was, I am." I fired back, "Just not this way. Choose a different person." I can sense myself losing this argument.

You'd think I'd never be in a situation where I have to convoice Kirsan to not bring my exgirlfriend— fuck that stings to say — in here for some experiment he's thought of and wants to test on the rat, aka me. But here I was. It's been two days since the dreadful breakup, and I've had plenty of time to dwell. Considering I barely sleep, you can only imagine how many hours I've spent overthinking the situation. I now understand that although I swore I was ready to love, I wasn't, not until I learned to let go and start remembering myself. I needed to learn to love myself. And because I didn't know how, I fumbled with Sophia. Her leaving destroyed every single part of me, but it rebuilt me too. I think I needed to learn just that. The lesson in getting back up, again.

I thought I had enough lost in my life, knew what heartache was, but laying in bed that night, fate decided to teach me real suffering. Everything up until that moment stopped mattering, all that disgust I had for myself vanished when I realized that I'm supposed to be touched. The brainwashing wore off, and I was left to understand that I needed someone to hunger for me, to crave me the way I crave them. No matter the time, or day, or what I'm even doing, I need someone who'll come in just to smell me, to hug me from behind and breathe me in, take all the noise in my head out. I don't care how long it takes me, I'll get Sophia to come back to me. Because I've realized that although I might need all that, I don't want it if it's not Sophia giving it to me.

So, while I get my shit together, we've been walking circles around each other, pretending no issues needed to be resolved. The woman has strength to the core, because unlike me who's falling apart behind closed doors, she's marching around with her head held high, and fire in her eyes that's not defusing. And that's exactly what I adore about her. The woman is defined by fierceness, the kind I need to back me, and to be loved with. The kind that'll never waver.
    
I'm amazed by her, because I'm definitely unable to pretend this whole thing isn't testing my patience, or that I don't have the urge to pull her aside and kiss her until only my name burns in the flames. I'm usually so good at the pretending, shit, it's who I am, the faker. But not with her. One look at her, and I feel a shaking sensation of ache catch my breath. The worst part is that I can feel her walls sky high, pushing me more and more away by the second. The woman has put up a damn Great Wall around herself, and I'm standing on the other side of it trying to find a way to start climbing over it again. Only every time I'm in her sight, I can feel the bricks of those walls scratching up my palms and the dust staining them.

I realize the longer I don't solve this issue, or start talking to her, the harder I'm making it on both of us. She gave me the one thing she doesn't offer anyone, trust, and I managed to fuck it up. I don't know if she will try again, even with my best efforts. I don't know if she will find me worthy of trusting after this, but I'm going to put in all my best tricks because I never wanted anything as much as I wanted Sophia. No, this is past wanting. This is a necessity at this point, she is my life or death. I need her like I need air, and right now I'm suffocating.

Right now, every time she talks to me, there's a clear distance. Every time she looks at me, there's a stinging void. In my presence, there's simply nothing. She's just as good at pretending as I am because I'm putting up the same damn wall. I know I need to talk to her, figure out this whole damn mess because I'm basically dying without her, but I've decided to give myself a few days to grip my mind together and prepare myself to go back in time and face the past.