Fated Risk || Completed

Chapter 13 || Deserving Of Punishment

Sophia.

    We all know what gravitational pull is, and if you don't then look it up because I don't have the time to explain it. But well you're looking that up, can you find out if you can feel gravitational pull towards a person? If there is a part in your body or mind perhaps that when it wants a person it will force you to suffer until it gets what it wants. I didn't think that was possible, but now I'm starting to question it. Because as I sit here, just a few feet away from Maddox's desk, I'm suffering.

    It's not the kind that has any physical pain, because that would be too simple. No, this is the kind of torturing pain that steals all your thoughts, makes you lose focus, and chips away at the little sanity you're trying to hold onto with all your brittle strength. But you can't. Or I can't is more like it. Not when every minor noise that comes out of his office has me on the edge of my seats because maybe he's coming out here. Maybe he will stroll out of his office and say something so stupid that the dopamine in my mind will skyrocket. Maybe he will come out here and look at me like I have the power to bring him to his knees. And maybe, just maybe, he will take me in his arms and promise me things I don't believe in but will still foolishly fall for.

    So now I'm suffering, because I'm sitting here losing my mind over a man who's less than twenty feet away from me. And I know I made the right decision by walking away, I'm sure of it. But why does it feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life? I was so sure of the fact that I can't have Maddox. I repeatedly told myself that since the moment I ran from him but yet it still feels like someone is tearing my insides apart because as I sit here and know that he's just a few feet away, I feel him.

    I can hear his laughter in the back of my mind like a never-ending chime. I can feel his hands still lingering on my skin, smooth and stubbornly strong. I can close my eyes and see those pale teasing eyes that are causing a full storm in my mind. So yes, this is worse than real pain, this is real suffering because the one man I want I can't have and now I have to sit here and come to terms with that knowledge. Come to terms with being around him, and still know that nothing can happen between us. I almost want him to be cruel, I want him to walk out here and yell at me. I wish he'd be cruel to me, because right now I need a reason to hate him. I need a fucken reason so badly because I'm losing my sanity, and all my walls are breaking around me.

    It's been days since he stood in front of me, telling me he needed me and I have sense then kept my distance. He is determined to reroute back to our old ways, but I'm pretty sure that's what put me in this mess in the first place. So, from now on I'm acting as I should have from the beginning. Professional. God, I hate that word now. It tastes bitter and sour in my mouth to the point of gagging.

    "Sophia."

    I paused the note's I was typing out for him and lifted my head to look towards his office. Even his damn voice was causing a hurricane under my skin. I took one single breath that I prayed would stop this war in my head and sprung into action. Despite all I'm feeling, I will not fail at my job. I will still satisfy him, without satisfying all of him. That's what I told myself as I made my way towards his office, my black dress feeling tighter around my body and suffocating me. And please, why the fuck am I wearing black today? It's not like I'm mourning, but Jez does it feel like I am. Maybe I'm mourning the what ifs, or the possibility of Maddox because I do feel like I lost something before I really had it.

    Every step closer to him sunk my stomach because I knew I had to put up a front that was breaking by the second. Pausing at the base of his desk, I peered down at him through a steeled expression that took too much out of me today. "Yes, boss?" I replied steadily.