IT ALL STARTED IN HIGH SCHOOL

Bad Flashbacks

I got up real early. My face feels stiff. I touched my cheeks. It feels sticky. How long did I cry for...I think to myself. The phone's alarm pulls me back to reality. I take a deep breathe, reach for the phone, switched off the alarm and walked towards the bathroom.

As I stand under the shower the temperature of the water has no effect on my body. I just feel numb. I want to remove all my recent memories that includes Caleb from my mind. I hugged my body tightly as the steam in the bath grows.

'He doesn't love you.' My inner me screams at me. 'He only used you to let off some steam. He will never be with you.' I hate to admit it but the inner me has a point. I cried some more. Why couldn't he just be honest. Why make me feel as if there was something more. Why rekindle old flame that will never burn long enough. Why make me admit my love only to throw it in my face.

This is my fault. I know he got a wife and child yet I set myself up to fail. I sank to the ground crying. The water from the shower kept pouring down as I keep crying.

"Jesus Christ Nessa. Are you trying to burn yourself to death." Caleb's voice shouts as the waters stops running. He steps into the shower and pulls me up. He carries me to the bedroom. He then brings a towel and wraps it around my body. "Leave Caleb!" I shout. "No. I can't. I haven't slept all night because you wouldn't talk to me. You miss understood last night." He says walking over to me. "Misunderstood what? That you lied 8 years ago and about to lie again? Or that you lied about yesterday and every other fucking thing?" I dropped my towel and stand facing him.

"I did not lie. I went on business. Bailey and I had to attend the meeting." He reaches put to touch me. I pushed his hand aside. "Caleb why can't you be fucking honest huh? I heard everything last night. I blame myself for trusting you again!" I shouted poking his chest. "I never lied. Last night I had to do that just to get her out of my study." He stand his ground against me.

"Yeah right. Fuck you Caleb. Am not dumb. Get the fuck out of my house. We are done. I can't go through this again." I pushed him away.

"I love you." He responds. I stopped for a while. I stop dead in my tracks. "I love you Nessa. I love you so much." He says reaching out to touch me. My eyes teared up some more as I look up at him. I allow him to touch my face. "I have never told another woman that since I told you in the cabin. You are the only woman I love. I love you Nessa." He repeats again as if assuring me he means every word he says. I broke down and cried. He held me.

"I never loved Bailey. I still don't. She threatened to take Casey away from me the day I wanted to chase after you on the field back in High School. I didn't want to lose out on being a father in my daughter's life. I have been so miserable for all the times I had to go without you. I suck up to her because of Casey and because I don't want to seem like a dead beat dad. But now that I have you I can move on from her. Please believe me." He holds my face up to him. I want to believe him but am so hurt right now.

"Caleb am hurting. It hurts.........right here." I place his hand over the left side of my chest. "Nessa finding you again was the sign I prayed for everyday. I asked God to bring you back to me and he did. Last night wasn't our best and I am sorry. But please trust me." He repeats again and again. I feel so bad. Am I hurting because of last night or hurting because history repeated itself in another humiliating way.
I walked away from him.

Without any warning my lips met his. I didn't even expect such pull. His kiss was so commanding. I feel as if he wants it to be confirmation of his words. I pushed him off. "Please leave. I have to get to school on time." I tell him then picked up my towel and pushed pass him and back into the bathroom.

Once inside the staff room I mustered up a smile and greeted the other teachers, grabbed my stuff and headed for the first lesson.
I worked through the day without a hassle. I tried not to take a break from work because the flashbacks were coming like train and I am the tracks.