IT ALL STARTED IN HIGH SCHOOL

Facing Our Worse Fear

We drive back in silence. Caleb tries breaking the ice but I just keep drifting off to happier days with Onyx. I remember one morning I was feeling a little under the weather and he told me to lay down he was gonna make me a bottle. I laugh at the fact that despite being so small his love for me grows daily.
Caleb reaches over and holds my hand, interlacing his fingers with me. I hold on a bit tighter. I look out the window wishing today was a better day.

We get home tired and sweaty. "Am gonna take a shower." I tell him and walked towards the bathroom. I undress and stepped into the bath. I miss my baby. He would be sitting in the bathroom waiting and asking every few seconds if I was finished showering. Then he would cuddle with me until he falls asleep. I want my baby back.
I finished and then Caleb showers after. We both fix dinner but for some reason I just can't eat. It just feels as if something is wrong. My phone rings. I rush to answer it hoping that it's someone telling me they have seen him. "Hello?" I quickly speak. "Ms Scott please come on down to the station. We need to speak with you urgently." The voice of an officer says calmly on the other line. I couldn't breathe. What if something bad had happened to my son. I look at Caleb and after telling him what the officer said we are speeding towards the station.

I run inside and tell the front desk why I am here. They direct me to the officer in charge of my case. "Ms Scott, Mr Carter. Please have a seat." He offers us a seat. "What is it? Have you found my son? Is he ok?" The questions keeps rolling off my tongue. "Am sorry ma'am I think you need to brace yourselves for this one. We have discovered a badly decayed corpse that matches your son's description. I need you to come with me to the morgue to see if you can identify whether or not its your son." He looks at me sympathetically and sighs. I bite back the screams and tears. I might not know where he is but I know my baby isn't dead. He can't be. "Lets go now. Let's go." I stand up quickly ready to go see if this is really happening to me.

As Caleb and I stand in the mortuary a tiny body lays on table. My body starts trembling. My palms starts sweating. What if this is my reality? What if my baby is taken away from me. I refuse to accept this. "Are you ready Ms?" The officer asks. "Yes." I quietly reply and follow behind him.
As we walk closer to the body my strength grows weaker and weaker. My whole world is about to come to an end if this baby turns out to be Onyx.
As they lift the cover I cry in fright. I walk closer to examine the body. The child is wearing a ring and their is a birthmark on his upper thigh. I sigh in relief. It's not my son. I cry. Thank you God. My son is still alive somewhere. I still have my baby. My heart goes out to this boy but I need to get out of here and find my son and find him fast. This experience is too much. I don't want to face anything like this again.

We drive back home. "I want our son back." I cry to Caleb. "Baby we will have him back in no time. I called back home and push aside my schedule for three months to find our baby." He says. I appreciate what he is doing despite the fact that I had hidden Onyx from him and now he will meet his baby under this kind of situation. Could this be karma for what I have done. I scream. Caleb pulls over and stops quickly. "Hey hey hey. Babe are you ok?" He asks searching my face. "I am hurting. I feel as if am dying. I don't know what I have done to deserve this. I always try to fix things but look what has happened. My baby is gooooonnneeee". I cry leaning into Caleb. "Nessa its ok. Everything will be ok." He assures me. I am grateful for this but I don't want things to just be ok. I want to hear my son call me mommy every few minutes.

I walk through the front door and to my room. I reach for Onyx favorite blanket Becca brought to me and cuddle with it. I can't stop imagining how much he is crying right now and I am not there to let him know that everything will be ok.
I am coming baby. I cry holding his blanket until everything around me fades away and I slip away into a deep sleep where the pain consumes me less.