Suck It Up

Chapter 7

Yok and Ayan were eating food while Akk slept. Yok couldn't help but let his mind wander to the things from his childhood. He wondered if there was anything he could have done to prevent Akk from becoming this way.

"I wish I had known what Akk was going through... I should've been there." Yok mumbled.

"Even if you were here at that time you wouldn't have known what he was going through." Ayan explained." I only knew because I caught him a few times doing those things to uphold the rules. Then after we became a couple I noticed he was acting the same way as UNcle Dika did before he..."

"Akk was never secretive though. He always managed to let it slip. Back then he couldn't keep a secret. I don't understand why he changed so much." Yok said.

Ayan was quiet for a moment as Yok picked at his food. He couldn't understand why Yok felt so guilty. Logically he knew why Yok felt that way but Ayan would never understand it. Being an only child did make it difficult to understand sibling drama but he wanted to help Yok and Akk.

"I think part of it has to do with how his parents react to you not being perfect. Another part of it is probably the fact he was manipulated at Suppalo. Maybe he was just always vulnerable and crooked people took advantage of that." Ayan said." I still don't know the true extent of the things he's gone through in life. Honestly, I think he is avoiding dealing with it because he thinks he should suffer with the guilt and shame."

"But he shouldn't feel that way. He didn't understand what he was doing was wrong. Akk shouldn't be punishing himself for the things he had done while being manipulated by some authoritarian school." Yok said angrily.

"I know but you have to understand Akk had based his entire self-worth on being what Suppalo wanted him to be. When he realized what was truly going on and how badly it affected people he broke." Ayan explained." Prior to breaking, he was already so mentally fragile. He wouldn't sleep, he'd forget to eat, he had panic attacks often and he was very clearly depressed. After everything at Suppalo Akk couldn't bring himself to do much. He wasn't sure he could handle going to college despite wanting to go. He couldn't even hold down a job due to his anxiety."

"So he just stays here all day? He doesn't go out at all?" Yok asked.

"Akk hardly leaves here. I have to force him to go out and about. I'm thankful my mom makes enough money to be able to help me pay for this place. It's small but it works for Akk and me." Ayan said.

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Akk had been awake for a bit listening to Yok and Ayan talk. He hated hearing that Yok felt guilty for not being there. He never thought Yok would feel guilty or anything he did. He didn't know how to feel. Akk wanted to trust Yok but he was afraid to.

Akk's phone began to ring so he very reluctantly rolled over and answered it. He didn't notice that Yok and Ayan had stopped talking and were watching him.

"Hello?" Akk said.

"Hi, Akk how are you doing." His Mom said.

She was the last person he wanted to talk to. Akk knew she only meant well but every time she called he'd get a lecture about not being in college or having a job.

"I'm doing okay Mom. How are you and Dad doing?" Akk asked.

"We've been okay it's been busy." His Mom said.

"Yeah, it usually is busy around this time of year," Akk said quietly.

"Have you found a job yet?" His mom said.

Akk sighed and shook his head slightly. He knew she would bring this up. It always happened.

"No, I haven't found a job yet..." Akk said.

"You need to start looking for a job. You can't just sit around every day doing nothing. You don't want to end up like Yok do you?" His mom said." He was always a freeloader. He probably is still taking advantage of people to this day."

"Mom stop talking about Yok like that!" Akk shouted.

Before Akk could react Yok grabbed his phone.

"Hey, Ma it's been a while," Yok said.

"Yok!?!" His Mom shouted.

"Yeah, it's me. I shouldn't be surprised that you still talk shit about me after all these years." Yok scoffed.

"Yok I wasn't saying bad things about you. You are my son and I love you. I would never do that." His Mom said.

"Bullshit. You act like I never heard you talking to all your friends about how I was just some delinquent." Yok said." You act like I don't know all the lies you have spread."

"Your father and I just wanted you to straighten up. You can't get anywhere in life by causing trouble." His Mom said." I wanted you to be a good person and have a chance at being successful. Breaking the rules and doing art won't get you anywhere in life."

Yok couldn't stop himself from crying as he listened to his mom try to sound sweet and kind while berating him.

"You and Dad have never wanted what was best for me or for Akk. You just wanted us to be perfect so you could have something to brag about to your friends. You are a terrible mother." Yok said in a shaky voice.

"That's not true. We did it because we love you both." His Mom said.

That was what broke Yok. He knew his parents didn't love him. He knew they never had. As soon as Yok began to develop his own thoughts and interests they hated him.

"You compared us constantly!!! You made us think we had to compete just to get an ounce of your attention!!! You broke us!!! You are the one who hurt us!!!" Yok screamed." Neither of us were ever good enough for you!!!"

Before his mom could respond Akk took the phone and hung up. Without a second thought, Akk pulled Yok into a hug and let him sob.

"It's okay now Yok... They can't hurt us anymore..." Akk said quietly.

"Why don't they love me!!!" Yok cried.

"I don't know. I wish I knew why. You never did anything wrong... You were just trying to survive... You aren't a bad kid Yok... You are a kid who was lonely and needed love... It's not your fault..." Akk said.

"I just want them to love me!!!" Yok sobbed.