Desire me - the third novel ****editing

Chapter 3- thankyou

***Taylors POV***
~past tense~
January

I managed to get myself a small car after the new year. It's little, nothing too fancy but it does have a good heater and music system. Matty helped me to choose it, it's a Volvo and it's apparently very safe.
My stuff is packed and my face is sore with tears, as I stand in the bedroom I have shared with him for years now. Matthew helps me to carry down the bags I have packed to the boot, we're not talking to each other out of pure misery and grief.

"Matty it's going to be okay." I tell him, I think he's shocked as he stands facing me in the kitchen with a bleak expression on his face.

"Rhea hasn't messaged me yet" I say picking up my phone and wondering where to go.

"You can stay here, you don't have to leave at all. It's eight o clock at night Taylor. Sleep on it" he whispers.

He's wrong, I do. I cant be here at the moment. I love him but I can't separate my feelings up. Being here reminds me of the babies. Being here reminds me of us, and I feel like I need to remove myself from us in order to work out what I want from life. I've kissed Jay, I've let him buy me expensive gifts, I told him I love him on New Year's Eve. Granted after several glasses of Prosecco. Leaving is the right thing to do, I don't want to be without Matthew, but I cannot stay here pretending to be his everything when I'm not.

"Stay with Ross, he's a good friend" he says non-committing watching me starkly as I stand before the fire.

Having messaged Ross, and receiving an almost immediate reply. I close the space between myself and Matthew. He hasn't come anywhere near me since our slanging match earlier in the kitchen. I yearn for us to be normal, like we were before the miscarriage. I long to be myself again, not the person that lost everything. Including him. Perhaps if I can distance myself from this it will help me to find myself again I think whilst holding onto his waist.

Lightly placing my hands on his forearms as he melts. I reach up and around his shoulders, seeing all of the tension disperse from his expression as he hugs me around my waist.

"I love you" he whispers holding me close.

"I promise you, I can unpack your car now in less than ten minutes and we can go back to who we used to be" he says softly in my ear, stroking my back. Sobbing into his neck he cradles me, kissing my neck slightly and telling me how much he cares for me.

"I know you will be back, I'll wait for you" he says finally in my ear.

"I love you" I tell him before pulling myself away from him. The man who I have slept with, the man who has held me for years and kept me safe, the man who cherishes me and listens to my every word. The first person I have connected to as a woman, the man I allowed to place a ring on my fingers. He gazes down into my eyes searching for answers. Watching his emerald green eyes, I kiss his lips slowly and he pulls me closer still.

"I'll see you soon" I tell him when he lets me break away.

I remove myself from his perfect life which I shared for some time. Heading for the door trying so hard not to look back. He walks me out and asks me to let him know when I've arrived at Ross'.

The air is cold as I climb into my new car and start her up, setting up my phone and blasting out the heater, I take a deep breath before putting Ross' address into the navigation system.

Reversing off of the drive at the end of the one track lane, I keep Matthew in my field of vision through my internal mirror as I leave him. Standing on his porch, before I turn out of the road and cry. Admonishing myself for getting worked up I tell myself to calm down and concentrate of driving.