Desire me - the third novel ****editing

Chapter 33 - regretfully

Taylor's POV
~past tense~
March

Matthew James Henderson the man I used to be madly in love with waits for me at a single table in the coffee shop. He's bought me a drink and it's across from his coffee. He always has his coffee black, we used to laugh that it matched his soul. But I can concur that his soul is nothing but pure white, if you believe in that kind of stuff. I see him the second I walk in, his dark brunette hair contrasting with his white shirt. I know that when I face him I will see his green eyes looking into mine. Eyes that show care and adoration. A softness that I relied on in every difficult moment we endured.

I walk quietly up to the table and sit in front of him.
"Hey" I say softly unsure of how to interact with him now. Normally I would put my arms around him, embrace him and hold onto him intent on not letting him go. He raises his head and his eyes search me like I knew they would. I think of all the time that has elapsed, exacerbated by the changes in my life and feel like an alien to him. Not myself, a new version of Taylor that's moved on.

"Hey" he replies softly as I look down and stir my drink. His voice. I'm monumentally glad that I was looking down into my cup. Had he of seen my face I wouldn't have been so successful in hiding my reaction. The burn of desire remembering his voice whispering in my ear, the countless memories of him reasoning and laughing with me in his car, debating stupid stuff and singing in the kitchen. I can feel the nostalgia hit me, instantly when he says one word. All of the moments, through all of the chapters. All boiling down into one feeling.

"Thanks Matthew, for my drink" I smile and he looks at me like I'm speaking French. I'm sure he would love to know that I miss him, but that's not why I'm here. I put on my best business expression, and I'm sure he's smirking at me. I cross my legs over and resolutely fold my arms on the table.

"No problem you're welcome. How are you?" he ventures. His tone is caring and patient. It's him, but not quite him at the same time. Something in the way he looks at me has me worried, worried that this is all going horribly wrong. I'm here to ask for closure and he's here to bring me back into his arms. Unimaginably his normal care and patience which would usually evoke nothing but love, brings about annoyance and frustration in me today.

"I just saw my dorm. It's interesting." I laugh desperate to change tact.

"Ah okay, what do you mean" he says patiently. I'm being a brat not giving him a chance. I'm sure that one day when I'm more sensible I will look back at this pivotal moment and plead for it not to unfold in the way it's about to. When Matthew has a wife and children he will keep things interesting, but he will be dependable and devoted. He will still be doing his art, he may even have some of the portraits he drew of me. And I will be somebody who is in his past, some girl that he loved. Somebody who he can't quite remember the name of, the person who used to be his world in a past life.

"There's more alcohol in the kitchen than food and Nate is my neighbour" I say to him sourly.

"Lord, you got a loud one then" he sighs. Mr responsible that he is, he rests his open hands on the table and I eye him.

"Rachel lives there too" he adds and I smile weakly.

"I know, we saw her just now" I begin.
"We're going to see how it goes until we decide" I rattle off not thinking about my choice of words.

"Who's we" he asks slowly watching me curiously.

I squirm, knowing that it's time to break it to him. Knowing that once I say what I'm about to say all of the niceness and reasonable conversation will cease between us and we will end up being angry with one another. But I feel so ready to be with Jay, I know I love him completely and utterly. I'm ready to push my whole life away for one with him.