anti-hero// joshler

15

word count: 314

my eyes open. i hear the midnight rain outside my bedroom window. i open my bedroom door and tiptoe down the hallway, veering off to ashley's room. i don't hear her fan, but i look into their room anyways.

her bed is made and it smells like lavender haze. their favorite perfume.

they must be off, doing something to make her happy.

 i sigh as i feel my shoulders sulk and my stomach drops. 

im not strong enough for this. 

im not strong enough alone.

-

my hand moves back and forth against my arm. the blood flows slowly and then all at once. i stare at it before wiping my arm down with toilet paper. the blood goes through it so i start to pile multiple pieces onto my arm so it stops. 

the guilt and shame rises in my until the bleeding stops.

i stand up and stare at myself in the mirror.

my face is red. my eyes are bloodshot. i am ashamed.

i hate myself.

thirteen seconds.

i look away and put the blade under the sink.

i turn on the shower and jump in. the hot water on my cuts sting. and it feels good. it hurts. it hurts. 

but i like it.

-

i slip a hoodie over my head and sit on the floor, staring at the leather couch. i really really need to get rid of it. but i don't have enough money for another couch.

i feel like grabbing a knife and slashing at the couch. just slashing and slashing until i can no longer feel him touch me every time i look at it. until it's nothing but patches of leather and feathers.

there's a knock on the front door. it's loud and it alerts me.

i stand and walk to the door.

"j-joshua?"

he's shivering and he's cools and he's wet. 

"god- what are you doing here so late?"

and then i notice the black eye he has on his face.

a/n: happy wednesday every one <3

how are you?

what's your favorite colors?