The Turning Point

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR- LIKE A GRAIN OF DUST

Heloyse

I kept my eyes closed, even though I was already awake. When I finally opened them, I saw on the wall clock that it was past half past eight. I turned, looking for him.
"Will?"
His name escaped my lips as soon as I realized he wasn't there.
I could delude myself, imagine he was in the kitchen preparing our breakfast, but the absolute silence of the house betrayed the truth. No. He wasn't here.
I knew this could happen.
I got up, went straight to the bathroom, and took a shower. I tried hard not to get frustrated, repeating to myself, like a mantra, that I shouldn't let it get me down.
I got out of the shower and put on a light, comfortable dress. Then, I picked up the wet clothes from the floor and took them to wash. An hour later, I had already had breakfast and cleaned the house.
But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fool myself... I was frustrated.
There was no way to avoid the whirlwind of thoughts about the night before. Or pretend that it didn't hurt that he hadn't even waited for me to wake up to make it clear that, for him, it was just one night. Just sex.
I, with my tendency to fantasize romances, thought it had been more.
Cielo was carrying scraps of food to the chickens when I saw her. As soon as she saw me, she stopped and waited for me to approach.
"How are you, Lisy?"
"Good."
"I'm not convinced."
I put my hands on my waist and shrugged.
"Nothing happened."
"Come on," she said, walking towards the chicken coop, "I'm going to change the chickens' water. Take the opportunity and tell me what happened while we were away."
"Oh, Cielo... You don't want to know. You really don't", I thought.

***

"He's going to listen to me!"
"Forget it, Cielo."
"Forget it? You're not a hooker, much less one of those little women he usually picks up."
"We don't have anything."
"You did last night. He can't just leave like that, without giving an explanation, as if you were that vulgar woman from Josh's store, or even Patsy. Will is going to listen to me."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"What are you laughing at?"
"I wasn't some naive virgin, Cielo. Much less was I deceived by a smooth talker and now need someone to force him to marry me. That's really funny."
Her shoulders shook in silent laughter.
"Sorry," she said, turning to me with a smile on her face, still holding the wooden spoon. "I'm not used to all this modernity. Of course, I'm not going to force him to marry you. Oh my God, that would be stupid. But it was a tremendous lack of respect what he did. Back in my day, a man took a woman to bed when he really intended to be with her. And even if Will doesn't want anything with you, he could at least have waited for you to wake up to talk. To make it clear that it was just that and nothing more. Deep down, he knows you're more than attracted to him."
"I knew it was just one night. He didn't do anything I didn't want... But I wish he had stayed. Even if it was just to say it was just sex. That way, I wouldn't feel so bad."
"I think you should go to him and talk."
"No. Better not."
"You kids are complicated. Back in my day, if we missed someone, we went after them. If we loved, we told each other. If we wanted to talk, we just talked. Simple as that! But you... My goodness... You overcomplicate things!"
"I asked him to stay, even if it was just for one night. I didn't ask for commitment, and he didn't offer any either. I'm just like this because I wish he had waited for me to wake up. Or that he would wake me up, at least. That way, I would see him leaving and it would be easier. The way he did it... Made me feel disposable."
"What can I tell you, dear?"
"You could lie. Say he's going to come back and confess he feels something more."
Cielo sighed.
"My goodness... You really fell for him, didn't you?"
"Yes. What I felt for Michael for nine years, I feel in seconds when Will looks at me. It doesn't compare to anything I've ever experienced."
And it was true. I'd never felt anything like this before.

****

In the afternoon, Thom came to fix the pipe under my sink. While he worked, I made coffee and served it to him.
"Things are weird today."
"Weird, how?"
"Well... Will's in a terrible mood. Exaggeratedly grumpy. More than usual. No one's ever seen him like this. Can you believe I saw him kicking the fence from afar? Yeah! And besides, I've noticed you're not yourself either. We talk and you don't hear. You're quiet. And you put something in my coffee... It wasn't sugar, that's for sure."
My eyes widened, and I put my hand to my mouth when I noticed the salt jar on the table.
"Oh my God! I'm sorry! Sorry! Shit!"
"I don't think that's it," Thom said, frowning. "It tastes pretty salty."
I laughed at the comment and sat down.
"Are you going to tell me what's up with you two?"
"I don't know anything about his mood."
"Come on, honey, you don't have to lie. Everyone knows there's something between you two."
"'Everyone' is a lot of people, huh?" I asked, laughing.
But Thom just raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to say something.
"I'm not lying. I just think his bad mood has nothing to do with me."
"How much in love are you?"
"What?"
"Answer the question."
I took a deep breath and lowered my head.
"Enough to be suffering now."
"I see. But believe me, he is too."
"That sounds so distant..."
"Still, it doesn't mean it's not true."
He looked at the floor for a moment before continuing:
"I feel a deep sadness for Will."
"Why?"
"The poor guy got stuck in childhood. Everything that happened in his life makes him think he's doomed to repeat the past. He takes cautious steps, always afraid of messing up."
"How so?"
Thom sighed and ran his hand over his chin.
"Good heavens... I think I've said too much."
"I wish someone would tell me what happened to him."
"He'll tell you. One day."
"And until then, what do I do?"
He gave a half-smile.
"Well... You could start by telling me where you keep the sugar."
Thom poured the salty coffee down the sink and poured himself a new cup. This time, with sugar.
Half an hour later, the pipe was fixed.
As night fell, my restlessness was impossible to hide. My thoughts were scattered, and my trembling hand proved it by breaking two glasses while drying the dishes. I couldn't concentrate on anything.
I put on a sweater and went to the O'Connor farm.
At this hour, the main house was already silent. The employees had left, leaving only Schulte, posted in the guardhouse by the gate, where he took the night shift as a doorman.
"Good evening, miss."
"Good evening, Schulte. Is your boss in?"
"Yes, I'll check if he can see you."
"Thank you."
Seconds later, the gate opened.
I walked to the house, feeling the cold night air collide against my face.
The living room was empty, illuminated only by the soft fire of the fireplace. The comforting warmth contrasted with the emptiness of the room. I sat on the couch, waiting.
I don't know how much time passed until I felt that gaze on me. When I turned around, there he was.
Will watched me in silence. His hands were in the pockets of his black sweatpants, his hair loose and damp, his slightly loose gray t-shirt falling softly over his body. His bare feet gave him an air of vulnerability that I had never seen before.
For a moment, I was caught in his image, forgetting about time. I only woke up when I heard his voice:
"Hi."
"Hi."
He walked to the fireplace, crouching to adjust the wood. The fire crackled in response.
"I needed to come," I confessed.
He nodded, not looking at me immediately. Then, he sat on the coffee table, facing me.
"I wanted to stay," he began, hesitant, "but I couldn't."
"Why?"
Will opened his mouth, but no words came out. He ran his hand over his lips, took a deep breath, and then released the air slowly.
"I don't know for sure," he said, finally. "I just... couldn't. I left and when I got here, I needed to walk. I went to work, but I was so angry... Then, I started walking aimlessly, exploring places on the farm I'd never seen before. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but I needed that."
"No, it doesn't," I admitted, and he let out a small laugh. "But I understand about things that don't make sense."
He shook his head, agreeing.
"At one point, I closed my eyes and went back to my adolescence. And I realized I never dated when I was young. For years, I lied to myself and everyone around me, pretending I was having a normal adolescence. But it was never like that."
I remained silent, listening to every word, and realized he was opening up in a way he had perhaps never done before.
"Suddenly, I felt so small. Smaller than a grain of dust. Like my life had been empty until now. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a wall. Hollow, motionless. Held up by fragile lines, about to break and let me collapse. Do you understand?"
I nodded, waiting for him to continue.
"I wanted to call you, like any normal person would. I wanted to tell you about my day, in a way I've never done before. I also wanted to have friends, sit with them, talk about you and how it was to meet you. But I never had them." He lowered his head, his voice filled with a silent sadness that made my chest tighten. "I wonder what I need to do to have all that. Because you make me want all that."
My heart contracted. His pain overflowed to me, and even though tears didn't fall, my eyes welled up. I knew what loneliness was. I knew what it was like to look around and find no one.
Will took a deep breath, as if trying to compose himself.
"Nothing makes sense. Not even my life makes sense. And I can't avoid this feeling... this certainty that I'm so insignificant."
"No, Will. You're not. I said that once, but I was wrong."
He raised his eyes to me, confused.
"And how do you know?"
"I just know," I murmured. "You're much more than you think. You just can't see it."
He looked away, shaking his head, and for a moment, silence filled the space between us.
"I'm sorry, but today I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone."
I swallowed my frustration and just nodded, getting up.
"I'm sorry, Heloyse," he touched my arm gently. "I'm just having a moment."
"It's okay..."
"Why don't you come here tomorrow morning?" he suggested. "I'll be less grumpy."
I smiled, agreeing.
"Great!" he said, relieved.
Will walked me to the door, but didn't kiss me. He just said "see you later" and closed the door behind him.
And there, in the darkness outside, I felt a pang of pain in my chest.
That night, he had avoided my presence.