The Turning Point

CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT - STUDY OF A CLOUDY SKY

Heloyse

Dr. Evelyn's office had a welcoming tone. Walls in a pastel shade, dark wood bookshelves with books on psychology, philosophy, and classic novels. A comfortable armchair, made of aged leather, stood next to a table where a small diffuser released a light lavender aroma. The environment should have brought me peace, but everything inside me was a storm.
"You seem tense today," she commented, calmly crossing her legs.
"I am. This week I... had some thoughts that were difficult to deal with."
"Would you like to talk about them?"
I crossed my hands in my lap and looked at the large painting behind her, where a gray sky took over the canvas.
"The same sky that hung over Thom's funeral," I thought as my heart tightened.
"Study of a Cloudy Sky, by John Constable."
I observed the light peeking through the clouds, creating a sense of depth and movement. Of longing for what was gone.
"It's beautiful."
"Yes, yes. Everyone who comes to my office identifies with the work. Everyone arrives here, cloudy."
"I understand." I smiled.
"Your thoughts, what were they about?"
"I hurt William. A lot."
"How? You told me you feel guilty for getting into that fight. For making him unintentionally hurt you. That the fact that he felt guilty was your fault. Is there something more?"
She waited, as she always did, giving me time to organize my thoughts.
"I know we've talked about this, but... I was thinking about how cruel I was when I said that if the baby was a girl, she would be named Angelini."
Dr. Evelyn tilted her head slightly, encouraging me to continue.
"At that moment, I just wanted him to feel part of that. I thought that giving our daughter his mother's name would be a way to create a bond between us, but... now I see that I only brought more pain."
"Do you believe that this was the trigger for him to get involved in the darkness of his past?"
"As I said, I have no news about him, but I believe that this must have permeated his head."
"You recognize the impact of your words, Lisy. That's very important. But it's also necessary to look at what led you to act that way. You feel a very great emotional need, and this may have influenced your decisions."
"I know I get too attached."
"You will work on that, but things are slow. Work on one thing at a time."
"All right."
"And how do you feel when you put yourself in his place?"
"It's unbearable. He lost his mother when he was still a child. He saw his dead mother and I threw that name as if it were a tribute, but... for him, it might have been a cruel reminder of what happened to her."
"You also lost your parents, your brother."
"Yes, and I always knew I was loved. But Will... it breaks my heart. And the more I think about it, the more I hate myself for being so immature."
I took a deep breath, feeling a weight in my chest.
"It's as if, at that moment, I had said: 'I was going to name your mother, who died tragically, after a child who never had the chance to be born... because you hit me unintentionally, I ended up being hit by a car and lost the baby.' Can you understand how terrible that is? He already carries so much guilt... He blames himself for fainting that day and, upon waking up, finding out that his mother thought he had died. And because of that, she took her own life. He blames himself for me losing the baby."
I swallowed hard before continuing.
"His father once said that he caused pain to people. And what did I do? I forced him to remember every detail of that guilt he already carried... even without deserving it."
Dr. Evelyn nodded slightly.
"Do you understand that, at that moment, you weren't aware of the weight that this would have for him?"
"Yes... but that doesn't lessen the guilt I feel. Everything would have been simpler if I had told him that I wasn't taking pills."
I lowered my head.
"I was afraid... But now I realize that not sharing this with him was selfish."
Dr. Evelyn took a deep breath, watching me carefully.
"Do you feel that this also contributed to what happened?"
"Yes. He felt betrayed, deceived. And I understand. He has always been afraid of becoming a father. He carries within him a guilt that isn't even his... and I wasn't sensitive to that."
"How do you feel now, after everything? After reflecting on this?"
I sighed.
"I feel like I'm trying to move on, but there are days when it's impossible. The loneliness... the lack of him... At the same time, I have a resentment that he chose his pain instead of what we felt."
"Do you believe you will never stop loving him?"
I was silent, staring at my own hands.
"I don't know."
Dr. Evelyn leaned forward a little.
"Heloyse, you can miss him. You can feel guilty, you can regret, you can wish you had done everything differently. But that doesn't mean you have to live trapped in this suffering."
My eyes began to water.
"What if he never looks for me?"
"Then you will need to learn to live without him."
I closed my eyes for a moment, letting the tears fall.
"You've cried so much, Heloyse. But no crying lasts forever, not even a whole night. And no loneliness is forever, unless you choose to hold on to it."
I looked at my hands, my eyes getting heavy.
"You don't need an ending to move on. You just need to accept that life goes on, even when we don't have all the answers."
I looked at her, as my hand went towards the box of tissues.