The Turning Point

CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE - I SHOULD...

Heloyse

Silence accompanied us to the car.
Will drove with one hand on the wheel, the other resting on the door, while, from time to time, he cast furtive glances at me.
The weight of what had been said hung between us.
And, in the hotel elevator, the silence became unbearable.
The tension was thick.
He opened the door and waited for me to enter. Then, he tossed the keys on the coffee table and indicated the sofa for me to sit.
I settled in while he put ice in a glass.
"There are some drinks here. What would you like to drink?"
"Anything."
He opened the Jack Daniel's bottle, poured the liquid into two glasses with ice, and served me.
Will sat on the sofa opposite, took a long sip of his drink, and stared at the glass. After an awkward silence, he decided to speak.
"You cut your hair and changed the color."
I ran my hand timidly over my hair, which was no longer so long. Now, it was below my shoulder, lighter and more voluminous because of the layers of the cut.
"And you're more beautiful. You always were, but now... you're excessively beautiful."
I adjusted the hem of my long-sleeved blue dress. My legs, covered by tights, were exposed, and I felt uncomfortable.
"Don't you like me complimenting you?"
"Things have changed."
He looked at me and then looked away.
Will was different. He must have been thirty-three years old, but he still carried that magnetism that made people look at him wherever he went.
"I wish I had come sooner. I asked Cielo for your address, but she said she didn't know."
"She wasn't lying. We keep in touch by phone, and I never told her where I lived. I intended to tell her when she came to visit me. She'll come at the end of the year," I took a sip of my drink. "Why were you looking for me?"
"Because I loved you and wanted to see you to say that."
Once, Johnson said that Will loved me, using the verb in the past tense, and that bothered me. Hearing Will repeat the same word was like the tip of a knife slowly piercing me.
"I ended up giving up on looking for you. I needed to."
"I don't understand."
"I was in therapy."
I blinked, surprised.
"That's wonderful. I'm happy for you."
"Thank you. It was something necessary. It helped me separate the past from the present. It made me realize that the years are passing and I need to enjoy the ones that are left. I can't grow old carrying this weight. And now, the past doesn't scare me as much, because I decided to bury it somewhere."
Will was silent for a moment before continuing.
"The day you left, I wanted to drink until I forgot you existed. So, I got into the truck and started driving like a madman around the farm. I didn't care about anything. I was so tired of my life," he ran his hand over his face, looking at the floor. "So tired of working day after day just to keep my mind away from the memories that haunted me. I thought maybe it would be better if I died."
My chest tightened.
"Then, I let go of the steering wheel, accelerated, and let the car go, while I drank what was left in the bottle. I didn't see anything else."
I needed to get some air. I felt the moisture in my eyes.
"They say that what's bad doesn't break. That was the first thing I thought when I woke up in the hospital. Then, I imagined that, because of the drink, maybe I hadn't stepped on the accelerator hard enough. The most I got were bruises on my mouth, eyes, and a broken arm. Believe me, I wouldn't have died in that accident, but the amount of alcohol I ingested... That would have killed me."
He squeezed the glass in his hands.
"Johnson came to visit me, and under normal circumstances, I would have broken his neck, but I couldn't speak or do anything. I just wanted to die. My life tired me. I had been tired since childhood. Then, Calvin asked Dr. Malerman, the psychiatrist, to see me, but I didn't hear anything he said, I refused to take the medication."
He let out a sigh.
"When Cielo came to visit me, I asked where you lived, but she told me that, before looking for you, I needed to find myself. That's when I decided to go to therapy. That's why I didn't look for you."
I swallowed hard. I got up and went to the drinks cabinet. I filled my glass, feeling his presence behind me.
"I'm immensely happy for you. And I hope that, one day, you find happiness."
"Thank you," he said in a low voice.
I turned around, and our eyes met. Will lowered his head, resting his hands on the furniture, surrounding me without touching me. Our faces were inches apart.
I needed to say something.
"I also had some sessions."
He frowned.
"You did?"
"Yes," I took a deep breath. "I needed to deal with all this, but mainly... I needed to understand my own mistakes."
Will watched me attentively.
"I knew I shouldn't have lied about the pills. I know you trusted me and I broke that trust. I also know that on the day we broke up, I was cruel when I mentioned your mother."
Pain crossed his face, but he remained silent.
"I had really thought about naming our baby after her, if it was a girl. But saying that at that moment was wrong. I didn't respect your pain, I didn't respect your past. I simply threw that at you, without thinking about how much it could hurt."
Will lowered his eyes to the floor, listening in silence.
"I should also have told you when I suspected I was pregnant," I continued, feeling a tightness in my chest. "But I was reckless. I was afraid of your reaction, and in the end, I see that it would have been easier if I had told you. I complicated everything, unnecessarily."
He took a deep breath, but said nothing.
"And I should have called to apologize. But do you know why I didn't? Because I was afraid. Afraid of hearing your voice and falling apart. So, instead of fixing things, I spent these years suffering, holding a grudge because you pushed me out of your life... and feeling guilty for having contributed to that."
I looked up at him, waiting for some reaction.
"But if my pregnancy hadn't been interrupted, that would be the only thing I would never have regretted. I would have moved on, I would have faced everything, and I would have loved our baby with all my strength."
He looked up at me, looking vulnerable.
"I would never reject my child."
"I know. You've told me that before, and I believe you. But I should have had the minimum consideration for you and told you. I knew about your traumas. I was selfish."
Will took a deep breath.
Silence fell between us. My heart was pounding against my chest.
"I would lie down and couldn't sleep. The nights were my greatest torment. My mind always took me to you, Will. During these years, I wondered if you didn't miss me, not even for a minute. And you know what? I stayed strong. I'm not weak for still loving you, but I'm strong for continuing to move on every day, even with your absence consuming me."
He closed his eyes for a moment.
"I tried not to love you, but it was all in vain. And now you're back. Why? You want to take my forgiveness, but with it you'll take my heart, because I still love you. Much more than before."
I pushed his chest and ran to the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked, grabbing my arm.
"I'm leaving."
"I want you to stay."
"Then tell me... Do you still like me?"
The seconds passed. Everything around stopped.
Then his answer came:
"No!"