The Turning Point

CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR- IT WAS THE BEST THING I DID

William

I kept the medallion with my mother's initial in my pocket. I had lost it a while ago.
"I would have named her Angelini."
Her words still echoed in my mind as Heloyse walked with hesitant steps until she disappeared into the stable. And I stood there, motionless, forcing myself to believe the lie I created. For myself. For her.
Every day, I would miss her. And every day, I would regret the decision I made. But at least, she would never have to cry because of me again. Eventually, she would move on. She would find someone better, someone whole.
And me? Would I forget her?
Heloyse was the first woman I loved. The only one who took from me something I thought I didn't have: affection. The only one who managed to bend me, who made me feel. The only one who managed to draw tears from me.
When she was warm in my arms, I was the happiest man in the world. And it was for those moments, for that fleeting happiness, that I owed her this. I needed to let her go.
Maybe we would cross paths in town, on the road, or even at the Ferrel farm, but I would keep my distance. She deserved to start over. We could have done it together, but what if I hurt her again? What if more bad things happened to her, because of me?
"It was the last time I hurt her," I thought.
Later, I sat at the table for lunch. The plate in front of me was full, but it seemed like nothing there had any taste. I saw the movement of the employees, heard the cutlery clashing against the plates, and yet, my house was empty.
Eva and Calvin approached, as they always did. I couldn't look at them.
Then, I felt Eva's hand on mine. Her touch was warm, human.
Without thinking, I ran my thumb over her skin in a shy caress.
"We're here for you, Will," she said with a small smile, as if she knew. "We always have been."
I swallowed hard and did something I had never done before.
"Forgive me!"
My voice came out hoarse, scratchy.
"Forgive me for never having said how grateful I am for everything you've done. For all the times I hurt you, pushing you away. I was just afraid... afraid to say I loved you, because I never knew how to deal with that."
I closed my eyes for a moment before releasing the last confession:
"But I love you. A lot!"
Eva put her hands to her face, her eyes watery.
"Oh, Will..."
Calvin nodded, his voice firm, but full of emotion.
"We love you too. Eva and I are grateful that you came into our lives."
I nodded. I listened to everything they wanted to say to me.
I ate, although each bite seemed like sand in my mouth. I pretended I was going to be okay.
At night, some tears fell.
I heard that men don't cry. But, hidden in the darkness of the room, with no one to see, men could allow themselves. And the next day, no one would know. That night, I allowed myself.
"It was the best thing you did, Will." I repeated that lie. One. Two. Ten times.
But it didn't make a difference.
Days later, in the pasture, sitting on my horse, I saw her pass by the fence in the red pickup truck.
Cielo had called minutes before. I knew what was happening. I knew she was leaving.
I didn't stop her.
And I knew I would regret it.
I went home and drank everything I could. I kicked everyone out. I broke bottles, one by one, as if the sound of shattering glass could silence the mess inside me.
"Wasn't it freedom you wanted? Then do what you want."
I broke so many things. I left them like I was: broken.
And damn it if I tripped and hit my head. Dying didn't scare me.
Life, yes... that had scared me for years.