UNPARALLELED BONDS

Anxiety

Only 30 mins left to pull my shit together and I'm already feeling like hell.  Dying because of anxiety is better than having its after effects.
İ am so afraid to face the reality in real life and in my imaginary life so I just make a hasty escape to a world full of romance. But at last no one can erase up the fact that we need to face everything. Gathering up my useless thoughts to throw them in dustbin on my way to my tuition where i didn't go for 2 days , i thought like a freak a thousand times before entering the haunted place though it was only my imagination. I am too sensitive that even someone giving me good advice feels like they're judging me and gonna kill me soon for not being the ideal one or they might get to know that it was all my fault that I didn't study and got absent on the test day . What would I do if they blame me for not studying and I don't have any reason to give them . I just can't say that I had been depressed and my mood was literally off due to what happened in the past few days.
Im having these bothersome thoughts that refuse to go away and I just couldn't stop myself from blaming myself for causing my parents to run in the hospitals to get me checked by the psychologist and buying expensive medicines. My heart dropped as I see my father running over the stairs restlessly doing the formalities. I asked to myself, " I don't even deserve parents . They deserve a better kid than me. "

Before 1 week
Bipi...
"Bipi ye kisne likha h?"
" Bipi who's written this ?"
Bipi slided the book towards him and read keenly . He chuckled and said that he doesn't know and even suggested that might be some lyrics of a song. He nudged other guy before him to enquire who's written that. Then he stood up when I was about to leave . Before I took a step further I turned back and said  , " mujhe bohot hassi ari thi jab mene isse padha! "
" I chuckled when I read this "
I laughed and so he ..
As I go towards my seat I saw my crazy classmate staring at me. I also gave her a look but didn't get bother...
After that I thought everything was clear and started continuing my work , at the same time voices at last benches goes like,
" Yehhh kisne likha h bhaii??? Oee ye kisne likha h!??? meri notebook pr kisne likh diya h !???"
" Who's written this ??? Whoo??"

I was controlling my laugh . *Hard mode* But it was a relief that I realised Bipi hasn't written that .. huff..
When I came home my stomachache started and I dozed off and even missed my tuition class. I thought I might be on my periods but then I realised I have ANXIETY. I couldn't stop overthinking all the time about what happened in the school , I just couldn't ..
My thoughts went from what if Bipi has a real crush on me but what if he has not or what if I grow feelings outta nowhere  for him and forget about M#hi!. And for 2 days i literally lost my feelings for M#hi! . Seriously I can't believe myself I would be that much flexible . However I didn't feel anything for Bipi . He's really a nice and decent boy with perfect interpersonal skills but still there's something in M#hi! nobody ever could have. So at the end i finally loved my crush more than I ever did. I know nothing about him what he's like and whatever but still feel a connection yet I never talked or we never talked ? In the evening I ask to myself ," will he ever like me for who I am? "
Because I'm not born to please my crush all time , I try erasing this thought and just go with the flow of life hoping for the best .

My elder sibling , Joe, lives far far and far away . I mean not that far just a few kilometres . She got holidays from her University and came to home only for 2 days . She brought clothes that were not washed for one month. If maturity was becoming like my sister , I would rather remain like a baby doll. My parents criticized her by saying never come again kid , while was laughing in the corner.
As am an extreme introvert she's just the opposite case. Being a horrendous extrovert , she can't stop talking shit. I sometimes gaze her keenly and she joins too and we both gaze each other until the door creak and someone comes in.  It's always my dad who wants us to translate some updesh or motivation thoughts from English to Hindi so that he can understand. Sometimes he would sit with us and gossip with my sibling while I would listen and nag them whenever they mention my name in their talks.
I also talk but very little.
I like hanging out with my sibling so pulled her out of her bed next day and commanded her to get ready. But she is kinda too lazy and spent hours getting ready . I watched her as she pulled her pants up slowly and slowly and then dried her sweater in front of heater because mom had washed all the clothes of the house . I already shouted at her in my loudest voices and I could not shout further because her comebacks make me annoy as she shouts more louder than me . Just a dominating  sister who got slapped by me when I was half awake in the evening and she was trying hard to wake me up and pulling my blankets up and down . I took revenge by wearing her white  shoes . She made a sad look and I was trying hard to balance her mood by not giving sassy looks and making her jealous. But she never gets jealous. It's always ME...
FINALLY.. we went outside . She was too excited while I could still not figure out where to go. Joe held my hand and took me miles away to a cafe. We went all the way on foot and I nagged her hundred times when will the place come. As we entered the lavish cafe she asked me what to order . I looked at her then the menu and said ,
" anything"
"What???"
"You order"
After ordering she asked me whether to sit outside or inside . I peeped inside and saw a number of people looking at my side . This made me kinda nervous and after that I dragged Joe outside on a bench . She knew what I was doing  but I didn't talked to her . I sat opposite her silent and my face without any expression . She asked me all the time why I was so quiet but I didn't said anything. Maybe it was because I wanted to eat gol gappe first. But maybe I just wanted silence?
I don't know. I just don't know what happened that time...
After eating 2 sandwiches left half finished by me and some other thing I don't remember its name we headed off just to eat gol gappe. But I love the sweet water and hate spicy . I nudged her and said ,

" tell the uncle to give me sweet water "

She nagged ," why don't you " and this and that. But she had to ask then because I am stubborn since born. Even I made her to ask the uncle for tissue paper to clear the water dripping out of my mouth. I was too much exhausted so we took a rickshaw . And then she dragged me to another place to buy momos for my another cousin . I staggered all the way , walking slowly and leaving my sister go for a alone walk as she ran before me and forgot to hold my hand.
She turned and frowned .
Are you for serious?
I'm coming coming!
I ran towards her and grabbed her arm and we walked like a couple. It was an open area and on the opposite was a library and I could see various people going here and there in front of me.  After ordering for the food to be packed , we waited . I lifted my gaze and looked around as looking at my sibling is no worth. At that time I was wishing to see one of my claasmates at least because seeing them makes me happy and nervous at the same time depending on who the classmate is. As I was staring at the left side I noticed footsteps from behind coming towards my side . I moved my head towards right and looked back .