𝘿𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚 Ӝ ᴡᴇɴᴄʟᴀɪʀ ᴏɴᴇsʜᴏᴛs

vent/rant

This is like a mix of a vent/rant about my dad bc I'm actually going to lose it. I can't deal with this, its putting me in severe distress. Making me sob n shit.

Warning/TW
Mention of hitting
Mention of being drunk (he is not an alcoholic)
Huge mention of parent not being involved in childs life (I'm not sure if it's a trigger but it might bring back some bad memories for ppl)
Emotional abuse?? Not rlly sure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm in actual distress cause of this shit. I love my dad, I really do but I'm sick of it. He's been there, he's my dad but he doesn't act like it. He doesn't play the father role until my mom needs him to. He doesn't try even taking care of us unless mom need him to like step in so she can go and like lay down for a while. He's just there, he's always just been there like some random dude in the house who you can talk to if you wanna have a conversation but he doesn't ever even pay attention. I'm so fucking confused why he's suddenly trying to step in and try. I cant accept it no matter how much I want to. I can't because of all the nights he'd scream at me, go through my shit, threaten to hit me, threaten to hit all of my siblings and take our doors. The days he's yelled and screamed all bc he had a bad day at work. All the traumatizing shit he's said to me. The night he stormed out and left for an hour or so just bc I didn't understand a math question. The nights he left me sobbing in my room till I couldn't breathe. The same night he stormed off and I had to sit in my older brothers arms, sobbing until we just all left to his room. I want to forgive him, but I cant. I want to feel safe in his presence, but I can't. He could go from screaming at us to asking if we wanted to play a game 30 minutes later. Now he's suddenly here, being a father figure, trying. He's being nice, hes not yelling. And genuinely the only time he hadn't been an asshole before this an was actually laughing, making jokes with us and more was when he was fucking drunk. I want to feel like I can let him in and feel safe in his presence, and feel safe being myself with him but the last times I did I got screamed at. I hate this. It's not fair.

"He wants to be more involved, he's trying. He's a lot calmer recently, did you notice that?" Why now? Whys he only trying now?? Why couldn't he have done that years ago? Why couldn't he have been involved more? I was 5 and I'd wake up every morning, dad not home. His shift changed so much he was barley ever home and if he was it was at night when me and my siblings were fucking asleep. We didn't grow closer when quarantine happened, nothing changed. He just became less and less involved in our lives, only stepping in when he thought we were fucking around. Then he'd yell or do other shit. Why only now? Idc if it's a good thing, you just stood there for years watching him scream and scream and scream at us. You never did anything. You sat and watched him yell as we sobbed, screamed, and had break downs. You knew we'd go to the bathroom to make sure he didn't know we were crying. Those 30 minutes in which me and my sister sobbed in each others arms because of him. Why should we be happy about it? I get he loves us and wants to be involved now but I can't be happy about it. I'm not happy I'm just mad, I'm upset, I'm everything but happy. I'm fucking confused. This isn't fair it's never been fair.

The fact that he'd yell and scream for hours. When he found out I used a different name last year he yelled at me, saying I wasn't that name that I was my dead name. Told me to repeat it, over and over and over again. Then later when I came out to my parents as trans (still am, I think I can be if I'm generfluid too) and told them I wanted to use a different name he said he accepts me. Neither him nor my mom use that name or those prns on me. (They only know about an old name I wanted to go by, I use Sam, coro or cam now and haven't told them.) Why should I be happy about it? I genuinely had to go through such traumatizing shit with him. Being told "stop crying before I give you a reason to cry" okay? You already have given me a reason. You screamed at me, or rose your voice at me. You also asked if I'd rather him beat me. I can't just sit there and not cry after years of being yelled at constantly because all I can do is cry when he raises his voice. I'm so tired of it all, none of this is fair. I'm not fucking happy about it, I don't care if he wants to be involved. He's had so many opportunities, even after doing all that shit and disregarding my feelings. It's not that easy to just let him in and see him as fully my dad and accept the fact he wants to be involved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm very sorry about this. This is just a big thing happening right now and it's really stressing me out. I promise I'll get back to my normal posting 💪