𝘿𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚 Ӝ ᴡᴇɴᴄʟᴀɪʀ ᴏɴᴇsʜᴏᴛs

ignore this

this is a vent, ignore it if you want. ill be writing more chapters soon, thank you guys for all the new ideas.

TW, SH, Disturbing things??, suicide

I don't feel like a good person, this kinda explains why.

So close to ending my shit. Haven't wanted to do it this bad in a while but now I really do. I'm so tired of my life. I hate long breaks because I always get like this. School is my escape from these horrid thoughts, people are not. Only 2 people are honestly. Nobody else is. Most everyone makes me want to rip myself apart limb from limb. I can't handle hanging out with people, I can't handle talking to people. If people wont text me first then I wont talk to anyone. I'm sick of texting people first to just have a 2 minute conversation. I'm not texting first, if you want to talk to me say hi. I'm not an amazing person. I leave people on read all the time. I'll ignore people just because I never wanted to talk to them in the first place. I will stop responding mid conversation because I cant handle talking to some people. Its not their fault, its mine. It always will be my fault because it will always be my doing. I ruin shit all the time, I fight with the people who love me and care about me because I don't know how else to talk about things with people. I get irritated easy, I will always resort to getting defensive when I think or feel like you're being an ass, got mad at something I said, ect. Why? I'm not even sure at this point. I'm so tired of it. I'll be dry with some and not with others. I'm not a great person. I'm a rather fucked up one. I don't know why I act like this but I do. Nobody understands these things about me, nobody does because nobody has ever tried to. Most people just kinda assume I'm great, that I'm okay, ect. You can't just tell me "you're so nice" or "you're such a good person" when its not true. If I really wanted to, I could be an absolute asshat to everyone around me. But I'm not because I still care about people. I always have. I don't know whats wrong with me, I truly don't. I always fuck everything up.

I can't handle emotions, I can't handle my own and I can't handle others. I try my best to do what I can to help people but truthfully most times I have no clue what to do, what to write. Most if not all the time I don't know how to help people so I just don't ask. I will put myself before others. If I'm going through things I wont ask if others are okay, I wont talk to others, ect. There will be very few times where I actually will. I don't anymore because I've learned from past mistakes. Its not fair. I will put other people before other people. I will put my favorite person before most everyone. I will get in fights with my friends all because of the tone that they text in. I don't know who I am, I don't know how to act. Every single person I talk to receives a different personality from me. Very few people will get the same personality from me. At this point I don't have my own. I don't know who I really am. I'm not even really sure if I'm real, If anyone I talk to is real. Theres things I wish people would try and understand about me. Theres things that I will just let happen because I don't want to fuck more shit up. Every time I do most things that upset me like having to talk, be around to many people, ect or I just get to fucking upset I end up hurting myself. Every time. Somethings wrong with me, I know something is but I don't know what. I feel like I'm going mad. I feel like a shitty person. I know I'm a shitty person. I have done shitty things to so many people sometimes just because they pissed me off. I would be the person I never wanted to be. Most times I feel like I was turning into my dad. I want to hurt myself in some of the most painful and worst ways possible just because I feel like it, I want to do it because I feel like I'm one of the most terrible people to ever exist. I want to die, more than anything else in this world. I want it all to end, but I can't have that. I can't have any of that. I'm so tired. I want it to end.

I'm not saying I wont help people because honestly I always will help people. I'll always offer and I'll always listen. I'm just not good at it. I love helping people and it doesn't bother me. I just hate feeling like this. In all honesty, this book and you guys are some of the very few things still keeping me here. I update this book and still write not only because its one of my few escapes but because you guys love it. From what I've heard its somethings that has helped a lot of you guys and I don't want to take that away from any of you.

Edit: If you need to vent you can vent in the comments, it's okay. If you relate to this, or just any part of this you can say that. You can explain anything you want to. I will not get upset nor offended and you will not be judged. If anyone does judge anyone else their comments will be deleted and they will be muted. I love you guys❤