Cold Heart

Chapter 20: Tears of Love

ASHTON'S POV

It's been a long time since I've ever cried, but hearing that story out loud leaves a tear rolling down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away and  take my ear away from the door and go downstairs. I should probably be mad at Lucy for telling her, but why can't she know? In a way, I'm glad Lucy told her. She's brave. I don't think I could have done it, I wouldn't be able to bare the pity. At least now she knows why I can't let her in. She must of wondered why I haven't done something already, let her be mine. She must be so confused by all of these mixed signals and it kills me knowing that I'm hurting her, but it's for the best. Truth is, I wish I could of made her mine the minute I saw her in that café, looking beautiful and vulnerable. I wish I could have saved her and promised to love her forever.

 Loving someone is easy. Unloving someone isn't.

 That's what my biggest challenge is right now. I have to unlove Rae McNaire. My heart hurts at the thought. I've faced many enemies in my life, but this seems to be the worst of them all. But I know it would hurt even more if anything ever happened to her because of me. I know I would never be able to forgive myself if anything bad happened to her.

Sometimes I wish I could just live a normal life. Live in a house out of the city and have kids with Rae and grow old with her. The thought of living a normal life with Rae feels so good but hurts so bad that it can never happen. 

I can't think about this right now, to be honest, I don't want to think about this at all. I know what has to happen, it will hurt but in the long run, it will ensure Rae's safety. It's also late and tomorrow I have to prepare for Italy. I go straight down to my office and grab a glass of whiskey and drink until the bottle's empty...

RAE'S POV

I can't sleep. I secretly hoped for Ashton to come in my bed again but he never did. Not for my benefit, just because I wanted to hug him. He doesn't know that I know about what happened to him, but I still want to hold him and to see if he's alright.

I've never heard such a devastating story in my life. My heart truly aches for him and Ron. Never again will I look at Ron with fear, not now that I know deep down, he isn't who he seems to be. Lucy was very upset after but she doesn't regret telling me. She's went to sleep off her hangover so tomorrow we can have a girly day of packing. It's about midnight now and I still can't sleep, my mind refuses to turn off.

"Ugh" I moan to myself. Why can't my brain just turn off? After tossing and turning, I climb out of best and I put my  cardigan over my pyjamas and my slippers on and go downstairs to get a drink. As I walk down the stairs, I notice Ashton's office light is on, despite the late hour. I hesitate. Should I go in or leave it?

I decide to go in of course.

I knock on the door quietly but there's no answer. I slowly open the door and I see him slumped on his desk, asleep. I know that if he stays in that position, he will hurt his back. I go over to him and shake him slightly, trying to wake him up.

"Ashton?" I whisper

"AHHHRGH" He shouts. He jumps up and I notice he had a knife in his hand and he pointed it at me, thinking I was an intruder. I stand in shock and back away suddenly, he just nearly stabbed!

"Jesus, Rae you nearly gave me a fucking heart attack, what are you doing?" He demanded. Once again, his speech was slurred. He was drunk.

"Yeah and you nearly stabbed me!" I exclaimed, snatching the knife from his hand. "I was just trying to wake you up to save you from a crippled back tomorrow!" I shout, a bit angrily.

He looks at me and sits back down on his chair, his face in his hands. For a minute, I think he's crying, but he isn't. He pulls me closer and hugs my waist. My heart stopped. He was a mess, completely drunk. I reach my hand down and stroke his hair. 

"You drive me mad" He mumbles "What the hell am I going to do?" He says to himself. I don't want to leave him like this, he seems very drunk.

"Shhh" I say. "Come on, get up, you're totally wasted" I try to pull him up but he's a bit heavy. Finally I manage him up. He looks down on me, his hands cupping my face. I look back up.

"What do I do, Rae, tell me what to do?" He whispers. He sounds very upset.

"Do about what?" I whisper back, pulling my hand up to his face.

"No please, don't" He states. He takes the both of his hands away from my face and grabs my hand from his face holding it. Our faces are inches apart, our foreheads touching. For a about a minute, he just stares into my eyes. Instead of looking away, I stare right back. "I'm sorry. I just can't. I should never have kissed you in that lake, it was a mistake. I've been... confused. I've led you on and if you were smart, you would realise I can't be with you. I know you know why. I heard you and Lucy talking, you need to stay out of my way. You were a big mistake" He tells me

My heart is in my mouth. Rejection flooded in me like poison coursing through my veins. I look at him sadly. I just want to be their for him. He looks back at me, as if for the last time.

"Go back to bed, I'm fine" he says, a bit coldly,  looking away and letting go of me. I stare at him and he turns away from me.

"Just go Rae" He demands.

I turn away, slamming the door behind me and go straight to my room and started to cry. Three things I knew for sure. 1. There was apart of Ashton, I'm not sure how big that part was,  that cared for me.     2. There was also a part of him that was ready to give in to his cold heart and ignore me forever,   and 3.   I was totally, unconditionally and inexcusably  in love with him.