Dear John: The Words I Could Never Say

You Can't Force Love

I have never been in love
I have never been the girl who gets the guy
I'm naive and shy
I believed every last one of your lies
And still to this day I still dream of a world where it's just us
I dream of a world where I am not numb to the idea of trust
I've always been the girl to toy with but never the one you keep in the end
And after what you put me through, sometimes I think I'll never be able to put myself out their again
You broke something inside me
You unleashed this rage towards me
I'm angry at myself
Because I allowed my emotions and heart to rule how I felt
I'm angry that I let you get away with all the things you did to me
And I'm angry that I still love you even though I'm out of the fog, that is infatuation and I can see
I thought putting my pain and past into words would dissipate the ache in my chest
And it has but there's no erasing the scars you left
Your the one I blame for the mess
Because I might have allowed you to point the gun at my chest
But you pulled the trigger without thinking, even after all the hoops I jumped passing all your mental tests
You played the game and I went along
Winning and losing as I kept up with your song
I still feel the air leave my body when I see you
It still feels like a kick to the chest when I hear you
And I still fall apart when I think of you
So, Dear John, congrats on fucking up the one thing that could have been great and throwing away someone who would have been there for you
Congratulations on choosing yourself and not wanting to lose
Because picking me would have meant loving someone else who wasn't you
Dealing with you and your indecisive self was truly one hell of a ride
Congrats on turning the rose colored glasses I wear to black and white
And teaching me that not all versions of love are worth the fight
Because although I still believe in love and the joys that come with it
I will never be as open and excited to feel that flutter in my chest and the butterflies in my being
Because you made all those feeling seem idiotic and fleeting
So this is the last goodbye I'll leave behind
Because the topic of you has grown tired
You were sweet but also a liar
You were smart but calculating
Always finding a way to break through one of my walls
So that you could get your way and get every last piece of me, you wanted my all
You were kind but let's not forget you could also be cruel
You really did have all of us fooled
So yes, you were right, you can't force love
Especially when that person was never capable of loving anything as much as themselves
And it took me a long time to see that I was never the problem or that I was wrong for the feelings I felt
It was you and how you viewed yourself
So goodbye my narcissistic trauma inducing friend
Thanks for the trauma and the lessons
I'll never forget the last fight also known as our last session
I'll keep you in mind for the rest of my life
Only to remind me to never do marital things for a man who was never going to make me their wife