The Grey- Noah Sebastian

twenty four

*Noah's POV*

Something died in me that day.

I hope that she gets the help that she needs, but I don't want to be around to be her punching bag anymore. I know that it's not her, and that it's the grief... but there has to be a point that you tap out.

I moved to LA without anymore anxiety about it, I was beyond ready for a new start after that. Plus, the closer we are physically, the harder it'll be.

I think part of me is waiting on her, in a way. Like I said, I don't know if I'll ever find something like that again, but I need her to fix her for herself, not for me.

I saw her in the rear view mirrors as I drove away, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't let her even attempt to backtrack within the same 5 minutes that she broke me.

I plopped down in my seat on the plane, Jolly and Folio next to me, and ordered a vodka soda before we even took off. Vodka and I had become close friends over the past weeks; I couldn't possibly bear to deal with any of this sober just yet. I ended up drinking 3 of them while Jolly and Folio slept.

We landed and I was feeling good. And by good, I mean drunk. It was also only 2 pm. The guys woke up and looked at me like I had five heads, both because they slept so long and because I couldn't stop laughing. They got me off the plane in one piece and directed me to baggage claim. Watching the belt continuously go was making me nauseous, so I laid my head on Jolly's shoulder and closed my eyes. I was determined to not throw up.

We got our luggage, which was just our essentials until the people with the moving company come in a couple of days, and got an Uber to our new house. We had ordered furniture while we were here last time, so luckily I have a new bed to fall into when I get there. I got up the stairs and passed out, not even making the bed.

****

I woke up a while later with a pounding headache. I glanced at my phone and it was 9 pm, but I had a feeling I was going to be up all night. I went to pee in my bathroom and then emerged downstairs, noting that it was really quiet, so the guys were either in their rooms for the night or not here.

I went to the kitchen in pursuit of a snack, but no one had gone to grocery shop yet, so I just DoorDashed some McDonald's and called it good. However, our manager gifted us a few bottles of liquor, so I grabbed the Jack Daniel's and headed for the studio. I'll go grocery shopping tomorrow.

I sat down in the office chair, thinking about when I got to show Sutton the new songs. I cracked open the seal on the Jack and took a massive swig from it, wincing immediately. Thank God I ordered a Coke with my McDonald's because this is brutal.

I let all of my intrusive thoughts flow out, not making myself filter anything. I know I need to let them out to deal with them, and whiskey thoughts are sad and honest thoughts.

Was I not good enough? Worthy of being loved?
Were you ashamed or just afraid?
Well, when I've given up and all is said and done
Will you just look the other way?

I broke from my trance when the doorbell rang, going to grab my food. Obviously they weren't here because no one emerged. I took a massive drink of my Coke to make room for the whiskey and poured it in, stirring it and taking a sip, noticing that it still made me wince.

I kept going, not even realizing that I forgot about my food, too caught up in the process of writing this out.

Half dead, barely breathing
Fell apart just to keep my head up in one piece 'til I'm found
Well, I'm sinking
To the floor of the sea where you want me to be