"Are you okay?" I hear Jackie's voice as she lowers herself down into the chair next to me. "I'm sorry I couldn't get her sooner- I was out at the cabin and they didn't call to tell me you were wake yet," I stare at my sister intently, at her round stomach at her beautiful face and I just break down. My body trembles like an earthquake the tears stinging my already chaffed skin. She comforts me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and holding me.
"Babe, it's okay. You'll be okay. You are okay." She removes my hands from my face and looks at me the way she did when we were kids and I would cut my knee and she'd run over to give me comfort. With pure love and sympathy. There's no way I could be where I am without Jackie, she's everything I'm not and everything I am. She has everything going for her.
A family. A wonderful home. Someone she can go home to at night and not question. A lovely daughter on the way.
And what do I have?
A shattered relationship with the man I have been having an affair with, stitches, a fractured hip, and a world of worries. The man I gave 4 years of my life to tried to kill me and the man who sacrificed his life for mine is sitting in a waiting room waiting to hear if i "forgive" him. He did nothing wrong so why do I feel like he's this evil person? Why do I feel compelled to be angry with him? Why do I ruin every fucking thing in my life- literally everything. I ruined him, I ruined Adam, I ruined my relationship with my mom and now I'll probably ruin me and Jackie's as well.
I'm a human black-hole who doesn't deserve the kindness and forgiveness that Matty showers me with or the condolences of anyone.
I breath. My mind picking at every emotion my heart contains and I let it because it's the only thing that helps me see how toxic I am. How much I've truly hurt Matty. My poor baby...
"Joclin, do you hear me." I stare back at her as she wipes my tears away.
"I deserved it."
"What?" she removes the hair from my face. "You did not deserve any of that-"
"But I did. I really did. Do you see what the last six months of my life have landed me. All the people I've played with-like fucking pawns. I deserved every punch, every kick, every stab. I wish I had died-"
"Stop!" She shouts, pulling herself up on her feet. I can see the tears starting to form as her lip shakes. "You stop that right now. Adam was insane, a basket case. You were confused and...stuck. Don't sit here and tell me how much you deserved that, how much you want to die because I don't want to hear it, Joclin. You are my sister and I'd die if you weren't here right now. Do you know how much this hurts me-to see how much he has taken from you." She steps back and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I can hear Beck calming her down as she cries and that makes me want to die even more. I want to rip these fucking cords out of my arm and just leave-just fucking go.
I look down at my legs, wrapped in blankets upon blankets.
"You may never be able to walk again, he severed your Thoracic Nerves. I'm sorry." I can hear the doctors voice as he sat down next to me, patting my leg. "I'm so sorry."
And now I can't walk, all because he wanted some petty revenge, and now I can't walk. That's what hurts the most, not that I had to deal with months of torture but at the end of this struggle I lose even more. He took everything from me and it fucking hurts.
...
After around 6 pm a nurse comes in to check on me and put more fluids in my IV, which makes me drowsy and before I know it I'm fast asleep the only sound, emitting from the IV tap and the small TV.
I'm stuck. My arms are tied around something...rough. My head feels like hell and my feet...I'm in water? Why am I in water? I go to speak but nothing, There's nothing that comes only the feeling of water filling my lungs!There's hands, there's hands anchoring me down and all I can do is drown. The stinging of drowning, the sight of red, watered down blood, and then I hear his laughter. Pure fear fills my bones and I'm lifted up, sputtering, chocking on water.
"Jocy.' He whispers, like the soft rattle of a serpent. "It's just us now, no one can help you." I push away from him, kicking like a wild deer but he pushes me back into the water, face first, all the while laughing.
"You're gonna die here," he tells me, pulling me up to face him, pressing his lips to mine. "And no one can help you. Not even your precious Matty." And with one final push he dunks me under the water again leaving me there.
I scream, pushing myself up , crying and screaming, trying to grab for anything, trying to push him away.
"Jocy?!" I hear that name and I scream louder, punching until my hand strikes something hard and i hit harder trying to disarm him, trying my best to get away.
"Get away from me!" My voice shakes, "Don't touch me!" Arms comes around mine and pulls me close but I fight-I fight until there's lips on my forehead.
"It's me. It's Matty babe. Just please calm down." The cold wetness of a tear drop hits the top of my nose and I stop and open my eyes, taking him in. Three long scratches down his right cheek and a swollen eye brow. A tear, stopping right in the crease of his nose. "It's me babe, It's only me." He coos, smoothing down my hair, kissing my forehead.
"Matty?" I don't know if I'm awake or if I'm still sleeping. Either way I take my arms and fold them around his neck crying into his chest until my heart stops beating so fast and his tears wash away.
