this is me trying

Prologue

Since I was a child, I was told that I was 'special'. I never questioned what special meant, however. Was I 'special' because I would make friends with everyone I came across? Was I 'special' because I was a part of every single sports team I could in my hometown? Or was I 'special' because ever since I was a 12-year-old my brain was bombarded with intrusive thoughts that dictated, thereafter, my entire life? Was that what made me 'special'?

Growing up in Norway was settling. It was all I ever knew. I travelled around the country but home was always Trondheim; a small city in the middle of the country that wasn't isolated but also never truly connected. But that is how I liked it. I liked the isolation, the freedom and the beauty. I felt settled on the ground beneath me. It was as if it was never going to break away, nor would I. It would be there forever, and so too would I.

My parents pushed me to get out of my comfort zone, from as soon as I could walk. Pappa enrolled me in gymnastics and dance, but Mamma knew where I really belonged. She pushed me into football in the summer, and ice hockey in the winter, and I found my place. I found another place of beauty. On the ice and on the grass.

Through my late childhood, I excelled. I was doing well in school, playing sports almost everyday, and was even invited to train alongside other girls for the Trondheims-Ørn academy. All was well. Too well, even.

I had always been a dreamer. I tried to dream. I tried to think of the most far-fetched realities that there were, and strive for them. I wanted to visit every country, travel the Trans-Siberian Railway and live in a different continent. I wanted to try snails in Paris, watch the Australians surf on Bondi Beach and play for the Premier League team I was always fascinated by, Manchester City. There were so many dreams and ambitions that I had rattled in my brain. But that was until my world was crushed by someone I always presumed would do all those things alongside me.

At only 14, my sister died. She took her last fateful breaths in her hospital bed, after a two-year battle with Leukaemia.

"Ev," Nora said to me, as she held my hand, only hours because she would stop breathing. "I love you."

"I love you too," I replied, nuzzling my head into her arm, trying to control the tears that were bursting from my naive eyes.

"Do something for me, okay?"

"Anything," I answered.

"Don't stop dreaming," Nora said. "There is a whole world out there, waiting for you. It's waiting for you, Ev. Chase it. I'll be there with you." I tried to hold it together. I tried so hard, but when your sister is in front of you, dying, it's hard to control those emotions, especially as a 12 year old.

Later that evening, she was gone. My sister. My best friend. She was gone.

From that moment on, everything changed, including me. I changed. Who I was before and who I became after are two entirely different and separate people. But that's what happens when something life altering occurs. You change and your life changes around it.

Instead of focusing on her death, I tried focusing on the emotions I could control. On the environments that I could control. That was football. I would train everyday, pushing myself harder and harder each time, telling myself that this was what brought me joy. When in reality, it was the only stability I felt in my life. Of course there was joy, but it was also constant. It would always be there.

I debuted for the professional women's team, for Trondheims-Ørn in 2016, at only 16 years old. I was the youngest in the team, and was only brought in because of many injuries within the main squad.

But as I finally took the pitch, l could rest my brain, and my heart. It was where I was meant to be. It was where I belonged. And everyone could see that. I ripped up the pitch, dominating for the team, and securing a contract in the following break. They needed me, and I needed them.

I met my best friends when I was 16. When I arrived at Trondheims-Ørn, Ingrid was the closest to my age. She was 18, and brought me under her wing. She was there for me, and showed me how to survive in the new environment. She was my life saver, when I needed it. And Guro was there too. Although she was older than both Ingrid and me, she was shy, and after a few weeks, it was us three. It was me, Ingrid and Guro.

Although they both left Trondheim after a few seasons, we stayed close, and I would always see them during league games, and at national team camp. Nothing ever changed, and we promised that to each other. I needed them, and they too needed me.

Over the next few years, I was scouted, quite a few times. Clubs such as the Portland Thorns, Rosengard and Bayern Munich all wanted me. But I never said yes. I could never even fathom leaving Trondheim. It was where I thought I belonged. I had my routines, and habits. I had my morning coffee with the barrister, Chris, who had my order waiting for me before I even walked through the door at precisely 7:54am. I had had the same locker since I arrived at the club, with my own customisable compartments. And I had the same forest behind my house where I could take exactly 54 steps to reach the fjord. All that was more than any club could offer me. There was no reason for me to ever leave. No reason that I would ever want to.

During that time, I was called into the national team. I was 18 years old, and made my professional debut. I went to the world cup with Norway, and was a starter in the team, playing as the six. I found my position with the team, and I loved it.

But as I slowly approached my 21st birthday, I had a choice to make. Comfort and stability or adventure and fulfilment? Boredom or chasing my dreams? I had to remember why I was doing this anyways. I was doing this for her. For Nora.

"Eva," my agent said, over the phone, a few weeks before the transfer window was set to close.

"Hello," I replied.

"We should talk."

"Is everything okay?"

"I've just had an offer for you."

"What kind of offer?" I asked.

"A very good offer," she answered.

"An offer I should consider?"

"Definitely an offer that should be considered."

I hung up the phone, after my agent read me all the terms, the transfer fee, and my contract years. It was a very good offer, as she had said. It was perfect. It was right for me. But it wasn't here. It wasn't in Trondheim. It wasn't in Norway. It wasn't near Chris, locker number 21 or my 54 steps to Trondheim fjord. It wasn't near Mamma and Pappa, or Nora's grave. It was far away. Further away than I could even fathom.

"Eva," Pappa said to me, as I relayed the feelings in my head to both my parents. "You need to get out of here. Trondheim is too small for a girl like you. You deserve the world, not just Norge."

"I agree," Mamma added. "Don't be scared Eva. She wouldn't have wanted you to be scared of the possibilities of the future."

"But what if I'm not good enough? What if I can't find my routines? What if there isn't a good barrister? What if I can't have my number? What if-" But before I could continue, Pappa cut me off.

"This will be good for you, Ev," Pappa said. "You know what I always say. To feel comfortable, you must experience a little discomfort. Okay?" I nodded my head, knowing he was right.

The next morning, I called my agent.

"Tell them yes," I said over the phone.

"Eva, are you sure?"

"Tell them yes," I repeated.

"That does mean you will have to leave Trondheim. You know that right?" My agent joked. I laughed slightly before repeating once again.

"Tell them yes. I'll go to Manchester. I'll go to City."

note:

- start of the new book/series... hope you enjoy. tell me what u think :)