this is me trying

A Note From Me To You

Hello my friends,

Thank you for reading This Is Me Trying, and suffering through the irregular uploading schedule, and waiting those three months for me to continue... I apologise (and I will not be doing that again.)

This Is Me Trying is very special to me (and even though I say this about most of my stories, I have never felt this statement ring more true than now.) This Is Me Trying is a story about mental health. It's about the brain. About the mind. It represents how the health of our heads is ever impeaching on the hurt in our hearts.

I've experienced my fair share of heart ache, and pain. The experiences of most of my characters represent how I see myself and what I've been through. Ettie with a twin; Hallie suffering with self-harm; Indi's entire human experience. When I wrote Indi Harrison, she was my way of struggling through those pains that I was experiencing at the time. She was my way of physicalising every single hurt inside my head, and getting them out into the world. Not so that others would see it but rather that I could see it. I could see some sort of tangible evidence of what I was going through. But also, Indi had a strength, and courage that I admired. She showed who I wanted to become after she overcame all that life threw at her. She stood tall, not letting the world batter her down.

But Eva is different. Eva isn't like Indi, or Ettie, or Hallie. She's not strong; she's not fierce. She's not going to stand up for the world, because she can hardly stand up for herself. She began the story with immense fragility, and a few years back, I felt the same (and to be honest, still do). I had just experienced some horrors I won't go into detail about, but I fell apart. Physically, and mentally fell apart. I'm lucky to still have my sister in this world, but Eva's falling apart was losing her own. Different experiences, but same outcome. Both breaking but with different catalysts. 

Her quirks, and weird habits that wreaked havoc through her brain are things I experience everyday. Eva needs to click her seatbelt twice, my socks need to be inside out. Eva has to count her laces before her game, I have to loop my shoes, unloop them, and do it all again. Eva couldn't touch her friends, family, and I hadn't hugged my parents since I was 13. The obsessive compulsions consumed both of us, and they happened due to serious traumatic events.

The way I saw myself reflected how I wrote Eva.

She is a piece of me that is so complicated and jarring that I often found it hard to write for her, because it just felt I was writing about me. It was a struggle, but we pushed through (just). That may also be why this story is quite short (and I do apologise for that too).

When I first started writing this story, I had just returned from the trip of a lifetime. I had travelled the world with my sister and it had been the best few months of my life. I was away from school, and my 'friends', and could really feel alive again. I went back to the countries I used to call home, and reconnected with friends that I had been apart from too long (because of the pandemic).

But when I came back, I was severely depressed; feeling so disconnected from reality and Sydney. I had 'planned' (and I put 'planned' in quotations because I never really plan; I just go with the flow for most of my stories if you can't tell) for the story to end in heartbreak. I had planed for Ona and Eva to not end up together. They were never going to find their way back to each other because that is how I felt about life at the time: it is not perfect and it will inevitably hurt you.

But through the past few months, I have found my people, and somewhat found my identity too again. It's been quite a liberating experience.

And so once again, I reflected that in my writing. I reflected that newfound sense of purpose and happiness in the present.

Eva healed (to her best attempt) and grounded herself. She started to grow away from her imposing brain, and then she refound Ona. Their love triumphed.

For me, I've stopped therapy. I've stopped medication. I am finally free from the constraints that I placed on myself for so many years. I wanted to grow away from the expectations that people placed on me and I found comfort in Eva's character, hoping that I can be the same.

And for the first time in my life, I am happy. Truly content and okay. That's the beautiful thing about life: it ebbs and flows. You can feel down and then life can light back up.

For Eva, she struggled but once she found her people, and her identity, life lightened. She realised she didn't need to save herself, she could lean on others to help her and I urge the same from you. Don't fight through battles alone; there is always someone who loves you, and if there is not, I LOVE YOU!

All of you (even the ghost readers (and yes I know you exist and I STILL LOVE YOU)).

So, if you ever need anything, I am literally only ever a text away (although texting on Wattpad sucks so my Tumblr is @sydsofia13 if you would like.)

Anyways, I LOVE YOU! And Right Where You Left Me will continue soon x

(Ps if you have read this far along, Mila's story, You're On Your Own Kid, coming soon.)