this is me trying

Chapter 33 - You're On Your Own, Kid

I lay in my bed in my hotel room, the blazing light from my phone staring at my face. I ran my fingers over the cracked screen wondering what it would feel like for it to dig into my skin. To have the pain that I felt inside of me physicalized.

I had never succumbed to these instincts before. I had always been a 'rather hurt in the head than on the body' kind of person.

Your body is your temple, right? You should love it, no matter what.

But my brain, that was different.

I hated my brain. It always let me down; hurt me in more ways than I could ever imagine.

Glass shards started falling from the screen. They were only small sprinkles, but they were sharp. I squeezed them between my thumb and index finger, feeling the glass stick into my skin. It was a pain that settled something in me.

It was only small, but everything I needed.

"Evy?" I heard a voice say. I looked up to see Ingrid walking into my room.

"Hi," I said, putting my phone down, and crossing my arm so Ingrid couldn't see the small sprinkle of blood that formed on my thumb.

"Frida told me..."

"I'm okay," I replied.

"She... touched you?" Ingrid asked, nervously.

"She reached out, and her hand, and- I- I had to wash it off me. I had to. I couldn't leave it on my skin. Like, what was I supposed to do Ingi?" At that moment, I felt the tears resurface. I hated to cry, but in front of Ingrid, it wasn't too bad.

"I know, she shouldn't have done that."

"But we won, and that is all that matters."

"That isn't true, Ev."

"At this rate, it is."

We finished top in the group, in front of Switzerland. Even though we lost the first game, we were able to finess our way to the top which was a surprising bonus to a fairly average tournament so far. Depending on who won the following day, we would be coming up against either Spain or Japan.

I was hoping for anyone but Spain.

I would've rather versed the United States, or Sweden, or even fucking Australia.

Versing Spain would be my biggest nightmare.

I would be riding a lot of luck not to get Spain. They lost to Japan, and unless they suffered an embarrassing loss, Japan would top the group; Spain would come second.

"How do you feel?" Ingrid asked me, once it was confirmed: Spain vs Norway.

"Like I'm going to be physically ill," I replied.

"When was the last time you spoke to her?" Ingrid asked.

"A while ago. Everything fell apart between us."

"It is one game, Ev, and then it is over."

"It won't feel like that. It'll feel like an eternity."

"I know it will."

"Are you glad Mapi won't be there?" I asked her, our heads laying parallel to each other.

"Yes and no. I'm happy I don't have to verse her, but," Ingrid started to say, "it's hard. She deserves to be there."

"Yeah, she does."

We lay there in silence, our presence comforting the other.

I loved her, my best friend.

Even if I never found my true love again, I would always have her.

"What are you doing?" Ingrid then asked. "After the tournament, where are you going?"