this is me trying

Chapter 36 - Inevitable

I stared at my phone, the cracked screen illuminating the comments that spread through my Instagram.

Eva.valtersen22: hurt doesn't begin to describe it. i'm sorry. the girls will be back, better then ever. Sårt begynner ikke å beskrive det. Beklager. jentene vil komme tilbake, og bedre enn noen gang

Ingrid_engen: <3

Graham95: it hurts now, but it wont forever x

Greiten: we love u xx

Maanum99: <3

I ignored the bad ones, many of which were telling me how awful I was; how badly I played; how I should never play for Norway again; I am a disgrace to our country.

I thought back to when I debuted for Norway. When I started this whirlwind of a journey. I was only 24, and I felt as if the world was my oyster. I had so much to give and even though I knew my head was somewhere else, I would always put everything I had into playing for my country. Playing for my nation.

When I first started out, all my family and friends would gather together, watching my games on any random stream they could find at my parents' house; all of them came together to show just how much they loved me. They gave everything for me and did everything for me, and this is how I repay them...

I felt the gaping hole grow larger by the second. I missed the most important penalty at the World Cup. I had no current club team. I was failing everyone I had ever loved: Ona, Ingrid, even myself. I had been trying. I had been trying for so long but maybe this was signalling my end.

The end of the current chapter; the start of the next.

"What are your plans now?" I asked Ingrid, as we were packing up our hotel rooms.

"Back to Barcelona," she replied. She had been away from Mapi for too long now, missing her girlfriend more than she thought possible.

"I don't know what to do," I answered.

"You sure you don't want to hang around; see Ona?" Ingrid smiled at me.

"I do," I replied, "but I think I need to head back to Europe."

"Have you texted your management yet?" Ingrid asked. I hadn't. I had let that rollover. I still wasn't sure what I wanted (well, I was sure now. It was just about how to get it out into the world.)

"Ingi," I said to her, knowing it was now or never. "I need to talk to you."

"You okay?" she asked, still packing her suitcase.

"I think- I think it's time I stop."

"Stop what?" she asked.

"Playing."

"What?!" Ingrid exclaimed.

"I don't think I can do it."

"Eva..."

"Ingrid, I need you to listen to me. That penalty- I would've made it. I would've got that penalty if I had six laces. I would've got it if I had counted properly. All these cages I have burning inside of me are mental. It's nothing to do with how good I am. It's about my brain."

"Eva, you can't waste your potential! I promise you with some help you can still become the player and be the player we all know you are!"

"I don't know..." I answered.

"Don't be rash about this," Ingrid replied.

"I'm not."

"Have you spoken to Ona?"