this is me trying

Chapter 18 - Obsessive Compulsions

My hands were shaking. My leg was bouncing. My brain was floating. I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. The only concept I could contemplate was the person who sat in front of me.

"Eva," the woman said to me. "Eva?"

"Sorry?" I asked, looking up at her. Her glasses hung on her nose, and her hair was tied into a nice, slick back ponytail. She wouldn't be more than 35, and her voice was as soothing as I imagined a therapist's voice to be.

"I was just asking why you came in today?"

"Oh, right. Well, I just- um-"

"It's okay," Ash said to me, "therapy is about trying to find the difficult words. Take your time."

"My sister died," I soon started to say, "when I was 12."

"How did you feel when that happened?"

"Like my heart had been ripped out of me."

"What happened afterwards?"

"My brain changed."

"How so?"

"The way I functioned, on a day to day basis, it changed."

"By what means?"

"Well, I tried to control things I didn't try to beforehand."

"Why do you think that happened?"

"Because she died."

"Is that the only reason?"

"I'm not too sure," I answered, trying to think about it in my head.

"What we are going to try to do here," Ash soon started to say, "is dig down into the roots of how your brain thinks and works. Tell me, do you feel as if you do anything strange or weird? Do you do anything people might think is different?"

"Most of what I do is strange and weird," I laughed, but she didn't laugh. She kept a serious, and strong face.

"Like what?"

"I don't like touching, I don't like walking on cracks, I can't dry plates, I can't do my job unless I fulfil some superstitions, and-"

"So there are a lot?" she asked.

"Yeah... there is a lot."

"Eva, what you are experiencing isn't abnormal. I don't want you to think that you are weird, or different. It is okay to feel how you do."

"Why do you think I do? I have all these unanswered questions in my head."

"Eva, from what it seems, you are suffering from PTSD which emulates in OCD tendencies."

"Can you say that in simple terms?" I laughed.

"So, the death of your sister sparked a change in your head, which is the PTSD, the post-traumatic stress disorder. This stress that was brought on by her death is physicalized in OCD tendencies. In obsessive compulsions."

"So, when I can't do something, it's not because I don't want to it because-"

"Your brain isn't letting you."

"Wow."

"So, for the past 10 years- I just- sorry."

"It's okay," Ash said to me. "I'm just glad you came in. Now, why don't we start again. Clean slate, and go from the stop. Where did you grow up, Eva?"

"Trondheim. In Norway."

For the next 50 minutes, I sat in front of Ash, talking to her. I explained my life story, how I got into football, where I grew up, and even Ona, telling her all about the love story between myself and my right back.

"She sounds so incredible," Ash said, in regards to Ona.

"She is," I smiled back.

"And, let me get this straight, you were able to touch her, without feeling repelled?"

"Yeah, it was so strange. I hadn't touched another human being on purpose in 10 years, and on one random game day against United, I didn't feel repelled by her. I wanted her to lend me a hand. I wanted to get close with her."

"Wow, that's very interesting, and a little unusual. But in a good way."

"Now," Ash said, just before we were to finish up. "I'm going to recommend you to a psychiatrist, and that is only so they can prescribe medication. Now, it's completely up to you, but a lot of people find that medication, especially for things such as OCD, can be very beneficial in conducting day to day activities."

"What would it do?"

"It would hopefully reduce your want to fulfil your obsessive compulsions."

"Okay," I said to her.

"It's completely up to you if you choose to use them, but I want to give you a choice." She smiled at me, before passing me a slip of paper.

I soon finished my appointment with Ash, and booked another one the following week, I saw Ona waiting for me outside. I walked up to her, hugging her tightly, and wrapping an arm around her neck.

"Was it good?" she asked.

"Yeah. It was."

"Did she help explain anything?"

"Yeah."

"So..."
"Basically, my mind is as crazy as I thought but now I know why. I have explanations to the craziness." I soon told Ona everything Ash had told me, and I saw the look on Ona's face to be relieved, and to be honest, so was I.

We had preseason training, for the last few weeks of August, before the season was going to commence mid-september. This season was going to be vital. It was going to be intense. Not only were we in the Champions League, but also, at the end of this season, it was the World Cup, and I wanted nothing more than to be on that plane to Australia and New Zealand.

At preseason training, a week after my first appointment with Ash, and the day following my psychiatrist appointment, I looked at the pills that were in my hand. I knew I should take them, but I also didn't want to. I didn't want to rely on them.

But I also knew I couldn't be continuing the way I had been.

"You okay?" Hayley asked, walking into the locker room. In the off season, a few people had left the team. Lucy and Keira had gone to Barcelona, Georgia had gone to Bayern Munich, and Caroline was now at Real Madrid. I missed those girls more than anything, but I knew I still had Hayley, and Alanna, and Ellie, and it would all be okay.

"Yeah."

"What's that?" she asked, pointing to the pills.

"Pills," I said.

"For?" she asked, nervously.

"Not bad pills," I laughed. "They are drugs."

"Thank god," Hayley laughed. "What are they for?"

"My OCD."

"Did you get-"

"Diagnosed? Yeah."

"Wow, I'm proud of you."

"You are?"

"Yeah, of course I am. It takes a lot of guts to get help."

"It was... scary."

"But, you did it." Hayley's face was one of pride, and something about that made me feel better about my decision. I opened the bottle, got a pill, and put it in my mouth.

Hayley smiled at me, before signalling that we both should head back out.

The start of the season was soon approaching, and although the first weekend was postponed, because of the Queen's death, we carried on as usual, before commencing our first round in late September.

We were up against Aston Villa. It was going to be a tough game, and we all knew it.

note:

- shorter chapter today but hope you enjoy anyways