this is me trying

Chapter 5 - Destiny and Fate

important author note: hey guys, just really quickly before the chapter, i just wanted to say that i love all the support and love and everything, but this story entails a lot of very personal details of my own struggles with certain mh issues and what not. i love all the interactions but please keep that in mind as sharing this all with you guys is very scary but also sort of a way that i heal and grow, if that makes sense... im not sure it does but yeah. anyways, hope you enjoy <3

We all arrived back from the international break, and our first game back would be against United, at their home stadium. We knew this was going to be an important match as the winner would go just below Chelsea and Arsenal at the top. What I wanted, more than anything, was to play in the Champions League. City qualified for the Champions League this season, but failed to qualify for the second round before I arrived. So I knew that it wasn't going to be this season's endeavour but rather, hopefully, next season's.

The night before the game, I saw all my boxes that arrived from Trondheim laying on the ground, calling my name. They only just were delivered, and I didn't have the mental energy to open anything yet. I didn't want to start to open them for only this whole experience to turn into turmoil.

But I knew I had one that I had to open. When I pulled the tape off the top, the frame I had been missing lay on top. It was one of the few photos I have of Nora and me, when she wasn't in hospital during those last few months. On one of her 'off' days, we went to the fjord, and played in the water during summer. She had no hair, but neither of us cared. We were too young to understand what it all meant. Well, I think I was. She knew exactly what was happening but tried so hard to shield me from the hurt. Shield me from the eventual pain.

I hoped that if she saw me now, she would be somewhat proud. I was living out the dream she always told me to chase. But, in reality, when I think hard about it, I don't know if anyone could be proud of me if they knew what really went on in my brain. If they knew of the struggles, and fears, and intrusive thoughts that manifested themselves in my mind.

I placed the photo frame beside my mattress, and tried to sleep.

One. Two. Three. Breathe.

One. Two. Three. Breathe.

The next morning, I woke up, and headed to the ground so we would all make our way to the stadium. I sat beside Georgia, as that was now becoming a regular thing, and Keira and Lucy sat across from us. Hayley sat closer to the front, and so too did Ellie, and Alanna. I felt, now, that I had made more friends than I had realised. I was talking to people regularly, and not once had I retreated into the shell that I used to do quite often at Trondheim.

I guess that's a good sign.

"So," I asked Georgia, Lucy and Keira, "What are United like? Are they good or...?"

"I'm not too sure," Lucy replied.

"They're pretty good," Keira added.

"Well, it depends," Georgia then said. "They have grown a lot recently. Like, they got a lot of investment from the club and then poof, they are top 5 material. And, to be honest, they got more money which got them quite a few internationals."

"I know that Maria plays for United, because of the national team, but I didn't know that had that many," I responded.

"I mean, they have a decent amount," Keira said.

"But they are top tier internationals," Georgia confirmed.

"Like who?" I asked.

"Well, Jackie Groenen, who obviously was with the Netherlands when they were runners up in 2019."