this is me trying

Chapter 12 - February Slipped Away

"Ona, I-"

"Save it," she snapped, putting her head into her hands and looking at the ground beneath her. "Why? Why did you lie? And tell me the truth."

One. Two. Three. Breathe.

"How did you know?" I asked her.

"Your calendar," she responded, it was left open.

"Today isn't ten years," I then answered. "Tomorrow is."

"Eva, tell me the truth. Tell me everything. Please."

"Okay," I replied. "Okay." I walked over to the couch, sitting on one side as she sat on the other.

"She died when I was 12," I started to say. "Leukaemia. Which is often a killer for children. Nora was 14. She was healthy and strong, and happy, until she was 12 and got diagnosed. I don't really remember the time before she was sick. I was only ten. But then life completely changed. My family changed. My world changed, really. It was so weird because for me I never even thought that my sister could die. I never even had that as a possibility. And no sooner had I started to realise that it could happen, she did. She did die.

"My whole family struggled, really. I mean, it makes sense. Nora died. She was gone. After she died, my brain altered. I couldn't think the same. It was as if part of me died with her, if that even makes sense.

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything, but in my head, I thought if I could pretend she was still alive and living her best life, maybe that could actually happen. I know it's stupid, and dumb, but any bit of hope is better than none, you know?

"Ona, you have to know that the connection I feel to you is so strong. Its so powerful. When she died, I stopped showing love. I stopped showing affection, of any kind. I wouldn't hug my parents, or tell them that I loved them. Nora was the last person I touched for nine years. She was the last person I touched, before you."

I looked over to Ona, after staring at the ground for the previous few minutes. I saw her staring into space, most likely contemplating everything that I had just told her. It was a lot to grasp and I had to recognise that.

"Okay," Ona soon said, after a little while.

"Okay?" I questioned.

"Okay."

"Ona, please tell me what you're thinking." She sat for a few moments before talking.

"I'm not sure what to think," she answered. "Eva, I just can't believe you had to go through that. It's just unfair." She looked back down at her feet, and I saw her wipe a tear away from her face. I sighed, and went over to her, kneeling in between her legs, forcing her to look at me.

"Look," I said to her. "Look at this. Look at us. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You taught me love and be loved. Life is fucking cruel, but you, Ona, make this shit so much better. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm so utterly sorry, and I know my brain is fucked up, big time, but, I'm not sure what I would do without you." Ona looked at me, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear.

"I'm not mad at you," she reassured me. "I was, at first." I chuckled softly. "But, not anymore. It makes sense. Is this why you didn't want me to come to Trondheim with you at Christmas?"

"Kinda," I replied. "I planned to tell you when I got back, but February isn't a good month for me."

"Why?"

"Nora's birthday was the 2nd, and she died on the 4th. Brings back a lot of memories."

"I'm sorry," Ona then said.