this is me trying

Chapter 27 - Miss You Already

10 Years Earlier

"We're here today to celebrate the life of Nora Valtersen. Nora was a lively and bright young girl, who's smile could light up an entire room. Speaking today is her 12 year old sister, and best friend, Eva." My hands were shaking. I had written a note. I had written the eulogy. There were too many people here. In my head, no one here knew Nora. No one did, besides me. They thought they did; they thought they knew who Nora Valtersen was. But it wasn't true.

"Good morning," I said, softly. "I- Um- thank you for being here today. Nora- um- well- thank you for being here and I- um-" I couldn't do it. I couldn't speak in front of this many people. I couldn't announce my love for my sister in front of an audience.

So I ran off. I ran off the stage, and hid away, hoping to never be found. Hoping never to be caught. But I was. Reality caught up, and I wished for anything but.

Present

"Eva..." Ona said to me, as I stood in the doorway looking at the girl I could once call mine. Looking at the girl I wish I could call mine. I had just pronounced my love to her. I had just done something that I was always so scared of doing.

"Don't say anything," I soon said, looking down at the ground. "Just, let me have this moment not knowing how you're going to react." Ona looked at me, sighing softly.

"Come inside," Ona added. "It's cold." I shook my head.

"I can't."

"Okay, okay," Ona started to say. "Ev, I love you. I truly love you. But-"

"No buts," I said, trying not to hear the rejection I knew I was about to hear."

"But," Ona soon started to say, "Am I what you need right now? Eva, I just- I don't want to be there tearing you down. I want to be here when you need lighting up."

"But-"

"Ev, I'll always be here. I'll be here, waiting for you. But right now, you need you, you don't need me." As I began to process what Ona had just said, I knew she was right. She always was going to be.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I shouldn't have come." I soon turned around, about to walk back down the stairs, but I felt her grab my hand. She interlocked my fingers with her own, bringing back towards her. She placed her hand on my cheek, making me look right into her eyes.

"I love you, Eva Valtersen." She kissed me, softly, resting her forehead on my own. "But you don't love yourself, and until you do, we can't be Eva and Ona." A small tear trickled down my face, and my cheeks soon started to burn with sadness.

"I love you so much," I said, pressing my body against hers as I hugged the girl I would be leaving. Hugged the girl who I wouldn't be able to call mine. I soon let go, frowning softly before walking off. "Bye, Ona."

"Bye, Eva." She soon turned around, walking back inside.

"I miss you already," I said, under my breath, not wanting her to hear.

Ona's POV

As I went back inside, I closed the door behind me. I leant up against it, trying to hold in the tears. I knew I did the right thing. I knew I couldn't be with Eva; it wasn't fair to her or to me.

"I miss you," I said, under my breath, as I watched her walk away through the peephole. Eva needed help, and that help wasn't me. I couldn't do that to her; I didn't want to jeopardise our future just for our present.

"Is everything okay?" Alessia asked, as I had my back against the door.

"No," I said, trying to hold back the tears. She walked over to me, grabbing me roughly and hugging me tightly. I wrapped my arms around my team mate, as tears from my eyes dripped onto her sweatshirt. "I let her go. I- She said she loved me, and I just- I said it back but, I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't- I just- I couldn't."

"You did the right thing," Alessia soon said. "You did what you had to."

She soon made me tea, and we sat together, at the dining table, drinking our hot cups.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"Do you ever feel just so connected to someone that you don't understand how it could've happened?"

"No," Alessia laughed. "But I understand what you mean. Was that how you felt with Eva?"

"Yeah," I answered. "She was literally just a beacon of light. I felt like I gravitated towards her. I genuinely thought that she was my soulmate."

"She could still be?" Alessia suggested.

"I think so, but she's been through so much, Less, and I just don't know what to do."

"All you can do is be there for her."

"But I don't think I am the right person for that," I answered.

'Why do you think so?"

"I'm scared we rely on each other too much. I'm scared that we were both too dependent."

"And that's a bad thing because...?" I didn't want to tell Eva's life to someone who didn't know her. I didn't want to say the real reason why to someone who didn't need to know. In my head, I knew that that was bad as it was a deflection of her issues, and mine too for that matter. Relying on each other would only hurt our future selves.

"It just is," I said, trying to deflect.

"Okay, but Ona, as long as you think you did the right thing, I trust your judgement. It'll be good for you two to have some space. Don't you think?" I didn't want space, I wanted her. But I knew it was right. I hoped it would be at least.

"Thanks Less," I soon said. "I'm going to head to bed."

I went upstairs, knowing that sleep was important. I had a game in a few days, and it would be so vital to be fit and ready. Except, I couldn't sleep because all I could think about was her. All I could think about was Eva. My Eva. Or, not my Eva. At least not right now.

Eva's POV

I tried sleeping. But I couldn't.

Changed the sheets.

Washed the towels.

Cleaned the dishes.

Three things. Did each twice.

It was now 2am.

Fuck.

I got into bed.

Think. Think.

Sleep. Sleep.

Close. Close.

My brain couldn't stop.

Ona. Ona. Ona.

Miss. Miss. Miss.

Love. Love. Love.

I missed her more than I ever thought possible. But maybe this was why.

Brain. Brain. Brain.

I was trying.

My brain, though. It would never stop churning.

Note:

- another irregular chapter of this story for you lot. hope u enjoy xx