this is me trying

Chapter 28 - Wanting to Survive

I fell. Not physically, but mentally. I fell.

It was as if I fell off a cliff, and my entire world came crashing beside me. I knew Ona did the right thing. I knew she did. We both needed it; I respected that but at the same time, I missed her more than I ever thought possible. More than I would ever care to admit.

But it was soon heading into March, and we were still vying for a place in the top 3. We were sitting in the fourth spot, having not played our best at the start of the season. United were having fun at the top (even though I wasn't sure how long that was going to last), and Chelsea and Arsenal were striding along in second and third.

But we wanted it. Well, the girls wanted it. Me, I just wanted to survive, I guess. I just wanted to push through the next few months and sort out my life, and myself.

"Hey," Hayley said to me, as we walked beside each other into training. "What's up?"

"Nothing," I answered, lying.

"You're the worst liar," Hayley replied. I chuckled softly, and that was the first time in a while a smile had been released from my face.

"I'm alright, Hales," I then said, really not wanting to talk about the pain that was infiltrating my heat. "I'm okay." She nodded her head, and even though she knew just as well as I did that there was something going on, she didn't push, or shove. She was patient. She always would be.

I had told no one about Ona and me. I knew I should; there was no reason to keep it a secret. But in my head, if I told people, it would make it more real, just like with Nora. The more people who know, the more real it becomes.

And besides, we weren't broken up. It was just a break... because they are different, right?

We had a home game against Tottenham, and we knew it was another important one. As we got to the stadium, I was told I would be in the six (something I was relieved about) and Laura in the 10, while Julie would help in the 8. It was becoming a more settled midfield every time we took to the pitch. I loved nothing more than getting on the grass when my brain was fogging. Such as now. Such as at that moment.

Count the laces.

Count the bands.

Touch the shin pads; do that twice.

Touch the cleats; do that twice.

Undo that hair; redo the hair.

I'm ready... (well, in reality, would I ever be ready? Is life something that you can be ready for? But that was an existential crisis I could have later. I had a game to play).

We played well during the game. Bunny got two goals, and we had a penalty too, in which Steph gave the ball to me, and I slotted it in. my brain, although foggy, cleared during the game. I could see things clearer, and taking a penalty was always something I relished, rather than feared. I loved it, rather than detested. I could always do it, even when I felt at my worst.

We won: 3-1.

Tottenham scored, which was frustrating, but we moved. We don't overthink it. Mistakes get made, and then rectified; we did just that.

"Have you seen my keys?" I asked Hayley, as we sat after the game. I was rummaging through my bag, trying to find the lost set that I couldn't quite see. I thought I had put it in my bag, but now, I wasn't sure.

"No," Hayley answered.

"You seen my keys?" I asked Alanna, Mary, Ellie, and Steph, all of whom was sitting in their cubicles.

"No," they all answered.

"Great," I said, putting my head in my hands.

"Don't worry about it," Hayley said.

"But-"

"I can drop you home, and we can get you a new pair tomorrow." Hayley smiled at me, and something settled softly.

"Thanks," I replied. I needed that. A sense of stability - it was always nice.

I posted on my instagram later that evening, once Hayley had dropped me home.

Eva.valtersen22: great support, great win. Lots of love for these girls

Hayley.raso: we love u evy

Ingrid_engen: thats my pk girl

Stephhoughton2: always trust u with the pks my friend

I stared at my phone, waiting for the comment, but just as I had expected, it didn't come. I was longing for her; longing for interaction. I missed her already, and it had only been a week.

No comment came. I dropped my phone to the ground, and although I was not filled with anger or rage, my phone smashed, cracking into a million shards.

"Fuck," I said, picking up the phone from the marble ground. "Shit. Really? Good job, Eva. Real good job." I was speaking to myself. Of course this had to happen today.

So many things were going wrong: I was phone-less, I was key-less and I was Ona-less. It was all going wrong; life was going wrong.

Maybe this was life giving me a sign. Maybe this was life telling me that it wasn't for me

"Stop it," I soon said aloud, hearing my own thoughts.

But, what was the point anymore? My brain wouldn't stop churning, and my heart kept burning. Life was just so-

"Eva, I swear to god," I said again. I hit my head, twice, trying to get some happy thoughts into it.

Although I couldn't do it. I knew it was getting too hard. I knew it was time to sleep. I was becoming delusional.

As I slept, I dreamt of happy things. I dreamt of me and Ona back together, living our best life in the sun, and by the beach: a ball always at our feet and our hands always interlinked. I always believed that dreams are our future, and I hoped, more than anything, that that was true, for, in this instance, I wanted nothing more than to be with Ona. Than to be with her.

note:

- another lil chapter for this story to keep it goinggg... i said i would plan but alas i did not. i was sidetracked (with a certain injury n me crying)

- anyways, how r we all going?