Secrets Pierre Gasly

Chapter 45

Pierre's POV

Twins. 2 kids at once. That means we would now have 3 kids. 3. We would be outnumbered. And with the new season coming up? I can barely manage time for Ollie and even tho I do, I hurt Sarah while doing that, now a new team, a new place to live, and now 2 new kids. I can't possibly do this. It feels as if my mind just shuts down, I can barely sense anything as we get back to the apartment. I feel my head spinning as all kinds of scenarios play out in my mind.

What if I never find out about Ollie? What if Sarah never came back into my life? Things would be completely different, I would definitely be focusing more on racing, with Emily it was easy she was just there, okay now knowing that it was because she was sleeping with someone behind my back it's not that good. But still, things were just easier so much easier. 

Yes, it was easier, but then again I was living a complete lie, as even Max pointed out, I lost myself, I was a dick to every single person in my life and not even racing was going well for me. Before anything, my mind spirals even further back into the past.

What if I didn't break up with Sarah that day?  Would we even be in a situation like this right now? Would I be happier? Would have I gone further in any aspect of my life? Sarah was always my biggest supporter despite trying to convince myself that she was holding me back. I fucked up really bad that day, and I will forever regret making that decision, I lost nearly everything with one decision that day including myself. But there is nothing I can do about that now. 

I walk inside the bathroom to wash my face trying to straighten my head out, but as soon as I walk inside the pregnancy test Sarah took was laid right there on the counter, I walk over pick it up staring at the positive sign on it. 

What if I would've found the pregnancy test she took when she found out about Ollie? I knew she found out the day I broke up with her, Would I have changed my mind? I could've been in Ollie's life from the very beginning. But I was even more lost than, then I am now...

But now it's 3 kids. I can't handle that. Can I? That's just, fucking hell what am I gonna do. I am barely getting the hang of being a dad with just Ollie, I am traveling the world for the entire year. How can I possibly do this? My thoughts are so loud I can barely hear Sarah call for me.

Wait do I really think sleeping together was a bad idea, fuck. My mind and heart are having a complete battle. No, it was a fucking war. My heart knows well how much Sarah means to me. Yet my mind is urging me to keep pushing her away to get my racing goals done. And this time my mind was louder speaking faster than ever taking my body over. 

It's not until she yells at me that I look over at her my eyes locking into hers that I realize how much I am hurting her. That it is me once again who hurts her. The father of her kids, the person she should rely on the most, trust the most. And yet I am the one causing her the most pain.

"You promised me you wouldn't leave twice, " a loud sob leaves her mouth "And you managed to break that promise, twice,"

I feel like the biggest idiot in the universe. I am fucking hurting her when she never did anything to deserve that for fuck sake. But before I can say anything, there is a knock on the door. I rush over to open it finding Kathy standing in front of me. Fuck I completely forgot about the meeting. And there it is. Kathy yelling at me once again to honor my fucking words of concentrating on racing like nothing else. But how could I do that? Before I could say anything, Sarah walks out of the room looking over at me her cheeks are still stained with tears but in her eyes, there is something different about them.

"Here you have an out Pierre, a completely full out, no more strings, nothing,"  she says slowly emphasizing every single word. I feel my heart beat faster and louder as I look at her face. I knew that look, she was serious, she meant every single word she just said, and she is willing to give me an out. But it also meant forever. Because if she walks right now, she walks out forever.

"Make your choice Pierre,"  she says looking at me

My eyes search for anything on her face, but she hides her emotions away, despising the dried tears it's the best poker face ever. "She gets it," Kathy says making me snap my head back at her sending her a glare almost telling her off for not knowing anything. "Make your choice Pierre, we can't continue this back and forth forever," Sarah says sternly but her voice betrays her half-sentence. My mind is blank, all thoughts run through my mind at once.

"I am sorry," I say quietly, before turning to Kathy

Sarah's POV 

The world stops, and everything feels as if it's in slow motion, and once again I feel the knife do a 360 in my chest and then just slide down slashing me open entirely. I feel like I can't breathe. This can not be happening not again, please not again. I don't want to do this without him. I can't do this not again. I stare blankly forward as he turns to Kathy, I feel like my legs are going to give out from under me, and my stomach crunches, I needed to sit down, and without a second thought, I walk back into the bedroom sitting down the bed trying to catch my breath. 

Did I really not mean anything to him anymore?

Did he really regret me getting back into his life? 

Did he just not love me?

Or care about me?

I feel like the whole world is coming down on me, just this time I truly don't have an escape. My heart was breaking into millions of pieces as the seconds went by.

I hear the door being shut. Hard. He made his choice. He is gone, he left. I crunch my hands over my stomach as I close my eyes shut, I have to bite down on my lower lip to hold back a sob before I feel a hand gently grip my thighs, I open my eyes, and my vision is completely blurred by tears but my eyes lock into his blue eyes, one of his hand reaches up, wiping away my tears.

"Does anything hurt? What's wrong?" he asks as his eyes worriedly scan over my body."Wha-What?" I try to ask but my words fail me. I am too hazy, I was sure he left, 

Why is he still here?

 What more could he want from me? 

Hasn't he hurt me enough?

"You rushed in here fast, does anything hurts?" he asks again, but I am just unable to get the words out properly. "Are you serious right now?" I ask looking down at him "What?" he asks while his eyes fill with confusion. "Why aren't you running to your fucking meeting, huh?" I ask, "It's racing what is most important no?" I spit out the words as if they were venom because, for me, they were venom. He looks up at me and I can see tears slowly feel his eyes.

"I told her to leave," he says "I am not going anywhere Sarah,"

"Not this time," he whispers holding my face gently.

HAHA. I KNOW YALL HAD A HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW, MUHAHA 

Thank 33hedgehog16 for that for all the mf blackmailing lol

 Also thank you for all the comments on the last chapter, all the feedback, and everything it means everything, so thank you so much <3 

Also, I have never been in so much pain before oml. I have been up since 5 am. I had 5 meetings today. And the last one was on the 9th floor but the elevator wasn't working. Now first I have asthma. Already dead after one staircase but now with my fucked up torn ACL. Deer fucking God I thought I was going to burst out in tears during my presentation. And now even the smallest movement is literally torcher.

If something I wrote doesnt make sense please forgive me. The painkillers are really strong and I have a little mind fog

Don't forget to leave a vote and comment, thank you see yall soon. xoxo