Before The Past

Ch.43

Kill The Dark Lord. 

Kill Dumbledore.

Kill Yourself. 

Do as he says. 

Never fear. 

To Disobey. 

Is to doubt. 

You wouldn't want to doubt him? 

Would you? 

It was all settling in. Everything. Moving here, finding out The Dark Lord is back, finding out my parents support him, finding interest in the most forbidden boy, then being ghosted like nothing ever happened, discovering I would have to receive the mark, being told I, along with someone who I'm not particularly fond of are tasked to kill Dumbledore. 

Perhaps it was because this was my last day of summer, or maybe it was the fact that what's going on is madness. I've accepted my fate, but have I truly? I mean you always have a choice, right? Do the right thing, but have a target on your back, or do the wrong thing and feel as though the target is invisible? Was I truly a bad person? If I'm questioning it maybe I'm not. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but maybe that's the problem. Is there a problem? 

Don't be ridiculous. 

Of course there's a problem, you're just trying to justify it. You took the safe choice, you were forced into it, why didn't you just run away? Send a letter to him and beg for forgiveness? Who's him? Matteo wouldn't possibly answer, and anyone else would send me to Azkaban before even thinking about helping me. 

Could I go to Azkaban? 

Would they lock me up the moment they found me? Treat me as some vile monster, working to undermine Hogwarts. Was that who I was? Just a spy sent in to make sure that one of the most powerful wizards is killed and that the safest school in history is broken into? I wasn't objecting to it? Why didn't I just object to it? Because I was afraid. Don't be afraid, that's stupid, there's nothing to fear. Oh but there is, there is everything to fear. Just a few miles and you're in the muggle world. 

You could reset, create a new name, become a server at a dodgy restaurant. Maybe become a fashion model, no that would draw in too much attention. Why was I even considering it? There's no way I could pull through with it, I'd be caught before I even reached the end of the field. I wasn't even sure where the nearest town was. I didn't know anything outside of this house. 

Freedom. 

I've been stuck for two years and both my body and mind yearn for freedom. To be able to do, say, and go as I please. Was there such a thing anymore? Maybe it was just a childhood fantasy. You grow up and boom, suddenly you're in a war. Was that the case for everyone? Most wars happen so close to each other that everyone's bound to have at least experienced just one. Even if that wasn't so, you're still stuck to the expectation to get a job forever, marry, and be expected to have kids. 'Continue the bloodline'. 

If I were still at home, my real home, I wouldn't have to worry about that. I could be the next person on the moon, or maybe the next big movie star. I also could have been a lawyer, maybe a seamstress like my mother. I don't think I'd ever want to follow in her footsteps, but right now that seems to be my only option. 

Back to the choices. 

Options, choices, selections, preferences, decisions, answers, they were all the same. Something so simple, yet so complicated. Like asking someone a yes or no question, but the answer is far more complex than that. Hoping that someone will make a decision for you because you're too indecisive. Given a choice that either way, it wasn't going to turn out well. Having the option between one, or the other. The selection of ball gowns and tiaras is far too complicated. Which do you prefer, fear or paranoia?