Before The Past

Ch. 56

The more meetings I attended the more numb I became to what I saw. 

The Dark Lord was growing more and more tireless, making more desperate attempts to find Harry Potter. He also made it his mission to destroy anybody who had strongly disapproved and opiniated their voice against him. With how much power we were gaining within the ministry it was only a matter of time that it will be completely overthrown. 

I had yet to be sent on any more missions, but with my birthday coming closer it was only a matter of time. I had been able to get my apparition under control and was now almost ready to do it on my own.  I still struggled slightly with the landing, but I was getting closer and closer after every attempt. I had been taught several tactic spells, strategies, and the all around bases of a war in preparation of what I may have to do. It also helped that I was still at The Dark Lord's table, meaning that I was kept in the loop about almost everything. 

I knew more than most did, and it felt gratifying, like I had a sort of upper hand. This also came with feeling a slight guilt that it was me sitting there and not Draco. I hadn't spoken to him since the night we left the school. I also hadn't seen him much except during basic meetings in which we stood by the side of the Dark Lord while the others, including him, stood below us.  He didn't dare look over at me, and it probably didn't help that I was always by Matteo's side. 

The Dark Lord's opinion about our 'relations' had changed. I wasn't sure why, but he was more lenient on the time we spent together. Perhaps it was because after what I'd done that night, Matteo's reservations from the Dark Lord's side had disappeared. I had noticed that he was more focused and determined to complete missions. He wasn't ever hesitant and never spoke ill against his cousin. I wasn't sure though if it was because I had changed that he stopped, or if he truly had become one sided as well. 

Regardless, we spoke about almost everything. From the weather to the emotions we felt during all of this, nothing was truly hidden. It felt nice to be able to truly talk to someone about everything and know that they feel the same back. Although I was completely on board with The Dark Lord, it was still hard to keep up emotionally with all that was going on. At times I struggled to keep the fear and guilt away. 

My mind just couldn't help but question every little detail. 

At night I would question if I was truly ready for all of this. Sure I had cast the most fatal curse of all time, but slowly that high was fading away. I had the urge to find it again and to do more, but I couldn't. My parents had my wand locked away until my birthday, which was only in a few short weeks. I had been counting down the days feeling more and more anxious as the hours passed by. 

I spent most of my time reading all the books I could and learning to cook, clean, and basic healing information from the house elves. When my mother found out that they were helping me with so much, she disapproved. Slowly though she warmed up to the idea and decided that at some point the knowledge may be useful. It wasn't likely though since the moment I married half of the house elves would automatically transfer to me while the the others I would later inherit. 

The subject of marriage had come up more and more frequently as my parents made sure to point out that I was getting older. What I truly didn't understand was the rush to get me married and out on my own. Matteo and I hadn't even truly put a label to our relationship, nor even said the special three letters yet. For some odd reason we both had an odd hesitation when it came to our feelings for each other. 

Neither one of us ever wanted to talk about it, and because of it I felt as though there were a gap that couldn't be filled. No matter how much we talked about everything else, it never seemed to satisfy what we truly needed to talk about. It was okay though, to be honest I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't know how to sort the feelings out. I knew what they were, but it was confusing and my mind was constantly battling itself. One moment I'd tell myself one thing and then I'd say something completely different.