Before The Past

Ch. 45

The words were almost unfathomable. Did he really just say sorry? Although I knew that he had grown kinder towards me, I didn't ever think I'd live to see the day that he apologizes. Did he mean it? He must if we're here right now. Why was he here? There's too many questions. Maybe just a basic one to start, but I don't want to stop hugging him. I want to stay like this forever. 

Finally I broke free, slowly. Both of our faces were red as tears fell down our cheeks. It was a lot less noticeable on him, but you could still tell. He smelled of cigarettes amongst other things and it made me worry. Had he been smoking or was it just from being around others? We sat down opposite of each other, but neither on of us had to the guts to look in each other's eyes. 

"Do you think I'm a bad influence?" I hesitated. 

"Yes, but in the best ways possible." He responded. 

"Then why did you stop writing?" I asked.  

The question almost seemed redundant. I'd asked him a million times in my head, playing different scenarios over and over. Flipping over any possible scenario in hopes that it would be positive, regardless of the doubts.

"I wasn't allowed to. He noticed that I'd always receive letters from you and regardless of what I said, he thought you were a distraction." He admitted.

"My parents said you were too. I asked about you and they simply said 'it'd be best to stay away'" I sighed. 

"I fold for someone once and it becomes forbidden love." 

Love? 

He smiled as he said this, I'd never seen him smile like that. Did he find the idea amusing? Maybe he was just laughing at how ridiculous it is. I simply stared and admired him. What could I possibly say? Admit that I too may feel something? How could I admit to someone else something I've been so afraid to admit to myself? 

"You've folded for me?" 

Good, avoid the real question. 

"Have I said too much?" His voice was condescending, but he was still smiling. 

That sweet, sweet smile. 

Was it real? Was any of this real? 

"I'm not sure you've said enough." I responded, trying not to sound like a giddy teenager. 

"So what do I have to say to show my undying love for you?" 

Love. 

There the word was again, this time sounding more real. It sounded, natural. 

"Do you mean it?" I hesitated. 

"Only if you do." He shrugged. 

There he goes again, making me question everything. Just like that he could shut those emotions off. Would he do that to me? 

"Am I ever going to get a straight answer out of you?" I muttered. 

Even I could hear the pain in my voice as I asked the question. What was I holding back from? 

He looked at me and realized I was being serious. He smiled and scooted closer to me. He placed his hand under my chin and stared directly into my eyes. I never knew brown could be such a beautiful color. 

My heart began to pound as he just continued to look at me. I couldn't stop looking. Eventually though, we both stopped looking and began to kiss. It was gentle and sweet, but desperate as though we were long lost lovers. 

Lovers. 

I liked that. 

We pulled back and he smiled once again. How could one simple move make me feel this way? How could his perfectly sculpted smile cause such a complex emotion? Was I in too deep? Was I letting myself get that deep? If I were drowning could I save myself?