Before The Past

Ch. 51

TW: Mentions of suicide and other extreme topics. 

I slid my necklace back and fourth on the chain, watching the snowy hills as they grew bigger and then smaller. I was slouched with my back against the wall closest to the alley way. I was in a small compartment by myself, listening to all of the chatter just outside. The train wasn't as full since many stayed at the school for break. Coming back from break felt almost unreal. 

Our dead line got closer and closer as the days went by and we still had yet to make much progress. We haven't even used a bird in the cabinet yet, and I wasn't so sure it was going to work. I was able to get a bottle of mead for the poison, but after the last attempt I was doubtful about it too. The fear was beginning to settle in, and so was the pressure. I was beginning to see why Draco was so uptight about all of this. 

The idea of ending it all kept creeping into my mind. Slowly I'd begin to doubt myself and then everything else would spiral. My mind was at a rush hour until suddenly something would knock me out of it. I'd gain my sense of reality back and realize I was actually here. That what had happened this summer was all real, and so were the tasks. The killings and invasions were far closer than I'd anticipated. Nothing felt real, like they were all ideas a few feet away and couldn't hurt me. 

I felt ashamed to think such thoughts, and wasn't sure why I wanted such an extreme thing. I'd convince myself it was for attention and that it'd be stupid to do. It wouldn't prove anything, and to The Dark Lord I'd simply just be another casualty. If he accessed my mind he wouldn't even question anything. Although he may ponder about my punishment, should she suffer or live no longer? If I acted now though, I won't fall at his hand. I'd fall at mine with the peace of mind that I wouldn't have to worry another day. 

If we stalled enough though perhaps it would all end. Surely this wouldn't last too long right? Someone, likely Potter, would manage to kill The Dark Lord and it would all go away. We'd live in a safe world again and wouldn't have to worry about whether or not we were going to live another day. Potter would be deemed a hero and Hogwarts along with the rest of Europe would rejoice. 

Us one the other hand. 

We wouldn't have that luxury. We'd be put to trial, likely sentenced to life for even the smallest of war crimes. Draco's father was already put to Azkaban, and who knows how many more will be caught. The entire prison would be filled to the brim without any room for extras. Everywhere you looked you'd see the mark, reminded of what could have been. 'What should have been' in some of their eyes. Most of them wouldn't even regret what they did. They'd stand by their choices confidently, hoping that a new Dark Lord will rise to power. Praying each and everyday that a new force would break them out to wreak havoc on the world just like before. 

Just like before. 

A time of darkness, fear, and blind hope. A time where two sides would see any win as an advantage, regardless of the losses beforehand. The two sides will do anything to win, in hopes that it doesn't come back to bite them should it all be for nothing. 

I convinced myself that I'd be amongst those who were punished. I wouldn't have a say in my trial. They'd put me away regardless of my innocence, which lead me to another, cruel, thought. If I'm going to be reckoned for it anyway, why not go all out? Why not prove that I deserve the punishment rather that sit with false accusation? If I was going to be blindly perceived, then why not fit the role. Prove to them that I am in fact dangerous and that I'm not a 'good' person. 

That would just help them though. It would help them put the blame on me and to make their decision even easier. There was no decision though, it had already been decided before I was even discovered. Before they were even aware that I was such a thing. Maybe if I cut my arm off and blame it on the war I'd be set free.