The Smile She Gives You

Chapter 7: Exams

Image credits: @that_aesthetic_account on Pinterest

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A D in the biology exam?! That's barely a passing grade! And that's all despite studying as if my life depended on it!
How is this possible?!
To the right next to me, Lyla is jumping up and down, happy about the A+ she got. Corresponding to a seven in the IB, this is the perfect grade! But how did Lyla achieve this? She started her studies at a later time than me.
How is this possible?!

"How did it go, Tori? You seem a little cheesed off."

I turn around and see Ryan looking at me. I am glad that out of all my classmates at least he notices how I feel. Unlike Lyla, who is sometimes very quickly distracted, Ryan always focusses on the situation at hand and sees the small things that no one else sees. He is thoughtful and knows how to help.

"Barely passed", I reply nonchalantly, "What about you?"
"Oh no, that is very unfair! You studied quite a lot for this exam! I had an A-. I could help you out if you want. Do you have time today?"
"I don't have time after school because I have swim practice. But we can catch up right after this lesson during the lunch break. We have two free lessons. This should be more than enough time."

No one has ever offered to help me with my studies. This is extremely thoughtful of Ryan!
In the IB it is difficult enough to take care of yourself. But Ryan is a brilliant student and, again unlike Lyla, he doesn't only think about himself when he studies but he finds time to help out others in their studies.

As soon as the dreadful lesson of biology is finally over, I grab my bag and with Ryan quickly rush to the crowded school canteen to get lunch. We both decide on big caprese sandwiches with soft bread and fresh tomatoes. The dining hall is packed with students aged between 14 and 18 and we decide it's best to look for a vacant table somewhere in the corridors of the school.

There is a group of free tables on the lowest floor. Students only rarely ever come down here to this tranquil because there are only two tiny classrooms on this floor. This makes it an even better spot for us to study in peace and quiet. After taking a seat, we unwrap our sandwiches and take a big bite.

"So Tori, how was your weekend? How did the swim meet go? Obviously you didn't win because one can't win the whole swim meet. But did you have a good time?"

We both laugh. Many of my friends outside of the swimming world are still fully convinced that one can actually win a swim meet and just don't want to accept the fact that, truthfully, a swim meet cannot be won.
Ryan on the other hand wanted me to explain all of it to him. He took his time to listen and now he understands. However, he still cracks a joke about it on occasion and I really enjoy it.

"You're right Ryan, I quite obviously didn't win the swim meet. I did have personal bests here and there but it wasn't what I was expecting."
"Oh, sorry to hear that. And sorry if I pushed you with the topic."

His smile from just a moment ago drops and I noticed how he started fidgeting with his beaded bracelet. Whenever the conversation is about competitions Ryan gets nervous. Ryan is a pianist and takes part in national competitions. He is unbelievably talented and always achieves a first or second place. Nonetheless, there is a vast amount of pressure on him and this naturally makes him feel uneasy at times. Over the years I have come to learn that he doesn't like putting others in this position because he knows how uncomfortable it feels.

"Don't worry about it, I'll be alright. I just have to focus on my training."
"Lukas can advise you what to do more specifically on what to do. I'm the wrong person to tell you. But what I am sure of is that you really shouldn't pressure yourself. Consistency is good but don't overwork yourself! Lukas can definitely word it better and give you scientific proof for the physical part..."

Was that a sad smile on Ryan's face? Yes, Lukas is not here but this isn't a bad thing, is it? Lukas is experienced in sports because he plays basketball and he used to swim himself. His younger sister has an eating disorder and he helps her out a lot which is where he has his knowledge from about overworking and having a burnout.
But Lukas is not here. And even though Lukas is kind and supportive, I don't really mind at the problem. I don't need Lukas's factual advice for health. I just need Ryan and his empathy. And this is what I will tell him.

"Lukas isn't here and I don't really mind. I'm enjoying this break with you, Ryan. Truly. Thanks for being here with me."
"That's kind of you, Tori, thank you. I'm enjoying our time together too."

After talking for another five minutes, we get started with discussing the mathematics exam and Ryan begins his instructions.
"Tori, in exercise four you've almost got it. To get to the row Echelon form of this matrix, it would be easier to calculate the x-value before the y-value in the final equation. Even if it might seem obvious that you can subtract the second row, it would be easier to add the first row twice and then continue from there with the second equation."

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This evening, I lie in bed staring at the ceiling and letting my mind just from thought to thought. I feel like I am in a void. Nothing seriously bad has happened but I still feel like something is wrong.
The swim meet was not that great. Exams are not very good either. My parents quarrel all the time. And then there are the relationships with my friends. I feel like I am more distanced from some of them but then I come closer to others.

It seems like I got closer to Ryan after today's lunch break. It was just the two of us. Talking and studying in a quiet corner and enjoying the comfort. I was able to be myself and tell Ryan about my feelings and thoughts at the moment.
But all the same, I feel like I am drifting further away from Lukas. He used to be the one to support me when I had bad results in swimming and also when I had an injury two years ago.
This would have frustrated me only a couple of months ago; stepping further away from Lukas. But right now it doesn't disturb me at all. In fact, I even feel happy that I got closer to Ryan. He is a good friend and very supportive. He gives my mindset a more positive glow. It will all work out in the end, I have faith!

I should refocus on this year. I will not get distracted, study diligently, and train hard. It will all work out somehow.