The Smile She Gives You

Chapter 22: Change

"See you later, Tori."
"Yeah, see you."

I open the front door and turn around one final time. Ryan is still standing there looking at me. I hesitate before taking a few steps towards him.
"Thanks for everything, Ryan. This means the world to me."
"Of course. I know things can be tough. And it's ok. What's important is communication. I will always be there if you ever need something."
Without thinking twice, I close the space between us and put my arms around Ryan, embracing him in a hug. He is always there when I need him. He is here right now. He will show me the right path. I still can't figure out why he is doing all of this for me but I'm far beyond grateful for all of it.

"Thank you", I quietly whisper so that only he hears.
As I pull away, I notice a small blush on his face and an expression that might possibly indicate some surprise but it's quickly followed by a warm smile.
"Always."

This time I don't look back when I turn to face the door again. I enter and close it behind me.
"Mum! Dad! I'm home! Is there anything I can help you with?"

I take off my shoes and enter the living room.
My Dad is in the kitchen and my Mum is sitting at the computer. Now this is a very unfamiliar situation. It has been going on like this for a few days now. My parents have switched their tasks: my dad is doing a lot more housework now while my mum is taking care of finances and administrative tasks in the family. They are both sacrificing their jobs to secure a healthy atmosphere in our family and make sure that I feel comfortable in this atmosphere.

"Oh hello, Tori. How was your day?", my Mum looks up from her computer.
"It was rather calm thanks. I spent some time with Ryan today."
Now my dad lifts his gaze from the vegetables that he is cooking: "Ryan seems to be the only person you talk about when it's about friends at school."

Oh my God, here we go! Why are parents so nosy?!
"Is that a problem, dad?"
"Absolutely not, I'm just saying..."
"What your Dad means, Tori", my mum joins in, "is that we'd like to meet Ryan when the opportunity presents itself and, of course, only if you don't mind."
Oh, is that really all that there is s to it?
"Well, I can invite him for dinner some time. But for now let me help with dinner for today. Dad, be careful with the vegetables and don't let them burn, they have to be stirred up regularly."
"Oh, of course! I nearly forgot."

I wash my hands in the kitchen, before I pull up my sleeves to help out my dad by preparing a salad.
There is really a lot that has changed. At school the only person I communicate with regularly is Ryan. And the situation has at home has also changed drastically. Everything has changed so much.

Jane's weekly programmes have also started to change my lifestyle a lot. I have more spare time because I don't spend that much time at the pool. As a consequence thereof I also see my teammates a lot less. I'm the special one in our team. I need extra attention from Jane. I'm too weak to take part in all of the training programmes of our team.

My life has changed a lot over the past couple of weeks. And I am not sure how to react to it.

On the one hand, my lifestyle is a lot healthier at the moment. My body feels healthier and I have more energy. Life feels easier and the strong feeling of being overwhelmed has disappeared.
Oh the other hand, I'm not sure if I don't actually miss my old lifestyle. I notice that I have started distancing myself from my teammates. Maybe it's because I still feel rather weak compared to them but I just don't feel that comfortable around them anymore. I feel like I'm the problem child in our team who needs more care than the others. The weakling who can't handle the normal training sessions. And because of my ambitious goals that are now clearly out of reach, I also feel a little ashamed of myself. No matter what I do, I will always have this opinion of myself because it's the plain truth. It's a fact that my schedule needs to be adapted. It's a fact that I need more attention than the others. The only problem with this situation is; I can't convince myself that there is nothing bad about it.

"Watch it with the dressing, Tori!"
I look up and notice that I was so lost in thought that I've been adding quite a lot of dressing to the salad.
"Sorry, I got carried away."

Shortly afterwards, we sit down at the dining table and enjoy the nice meal.
I must have drifted away in my thoughts again because my mum asks whether something is wrong.
"I'm ok but thanks", I reassure her, although I probably am not quite ok.
"Are you sure?", my dad now looks at me from the other side.

Enough with the lies and enough with the withholding of information! I will share the situation with my parents and ask them for advice! My dad is the first to reply: "Don't think about it too much, darling. You can't expect your life to become perfect overnight. When you decide to change your lifestyle, it takes a lot of time until you accept every part of it, get used to it, and start enjoying it to the fullest."
My mum continues: "We're glad that you share this with us, Tori. And your dad is right: don't expect too much at the moment. Good things take their time. And when you are recovering from an injury, whether it be a physical or a mental one, then it takes even more time. Don't rush yourself and don't pressure yourself. You will make more progress if you openly accept the current situation you're in and gradually improve it over time."

They are both right I guess. Change happens slowly and I shouldn't stress about it.

But I don't really know whether I'm ready to embrace this change. I'm scared of what the future holds and for some aspects of it, I wish I had my old life back: the life in which I kept all my true emotions a secret. The life in which I endured the pain. The life in which I hid everything behind a smile.
My options right now are either an uncertain and somewhat unsettling future or the fake smile I used to wear as a mask over the last couple of months.