The Smile She Gives You

Chapter 9: Weird

I sit up on my bed and groan.

A void. All I can think of is a void. A big empty space with nothing in it. There is not a single emotion that I could possibly describe. It is all just empty. Sickeningly empty.

I have been lying on my bed for almost an hour now, just staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do. After realising that studying won't work out, I decide to catch up on some sleep that I have lost over the past months. But I just can't fall asleep. That won't work either.

I rub my temple and brush a blond lock out of my face. Why is this happening? Why do I not want to do anything? Even watching a film or a show doesn't really bring me joy at the moment. I just don't know what to do but all the same I have an unbelievable amount of work awaiting me. I have heaps of assignments to complete, I have to go to swim practice more often if I want to achieve better results, and I barely have time to hang out with friends or spend quality time with my parents.

I feel very weird. I don't really have reasons to feel bad, do I? But in fact, I do feel quite bad. I just want time to slow down so that I can catch up. But on the other hand, it would be nice to finally arrive at the end of this school year.

I don't even know what I want at this point. And the problem is that I don't know why.

Yes, it is not going well at school. Yes, it is not going well on the swim team either. And yes, there are a ton of other problems that keep piling up. But is this really reason enough to feel bad about everything?

I don't feel sick physically. It is true that I am more tired because I don't get a lot of sleep but other than that I feel healthy and well.

Regardless, the results show otherwise. In swim practice at least. I have very bad results from the training sessions and no matter what I do, it just won't get any better.

I look over at my clock. Already three o'clock. I should get going.
After grabbing the small handbag that I have prepared in advance, descending to the living room, and calling out to my parents, I leave the house and turn right to go to the main street.

The doctor's appointment is at a quarter past. After what has been going on this season, Jane decided it would do me good to get a blood test just as a precaution. I took the test a week ago and today the doctor will tell me about my results.

The short but refreshing ten-minute walk leads me to a building in a smaller side street. The doctor's office is located on the third floor. I climb up the dimly lit, quiet staircase and ring a bell next to the door. A signal sound and I enter. Only shortly after being directed to the waiting room I get called up and led into a smaller room.
I patiently wait, seated on a wooden chair and observing the white interior. Everything looks clean and pure, maybe a little cold and not very welcoming but nevertheless the feeling of comfort and security overcomes me.

There is a knock on the door and my doctor enters holding a thin file. I look up at her and smile lightly as a greeting. She smiles back.

"Hello Astoria. How are you feeling today?"
"I'm fine, thank you."

She sits down and opens the first page of the file, noting the date, adding some sort of wavy line that I desperately try to decipher, and finally signing in the lower right corner.

"I have some delightful news about your blood test. All of your values are completely normal and you don't have any blood disorders."

Completely normal? So this is a doctor's opinion? It was tested in a laboratory and there is nothing wrong with it. It is all fine! Nothing is wrong with me! But why is this still a frustrating response?!

"Concerning your symptoms, I have consulted a professional doctor for athletic conditions and we've both agreed that you might have problems with your breathing but here as well, it's only a hypothesis. We do not have actual proof for it and it is therefore nothing you would need to worry about."

So nothing is wrong with me? Why is nothing wrong?! How can this be?!

~~~

A few moments later I leave the doctor's office with a newly prescribed inhalation device that is supposed to aid my breathing when I physically exert myself.

I return home and immediately put the inhaler in my swim bag.

This evening, I desperately await the moment that I will be in my bed after dinner, all by myself and with my thoughts.
At dinner itself no one talks. My parents ask about the doctor's appointment and I briefly outline what happened but afterwards silence follows. I fight back tears. Why is it so difficult to accept that nothing is wrong?

After what feels like an eternity, I am finally standing in front of my room. With a feeling of relief, I enter and quietly close the door behind me. The moment, the handle is back up, I sigh. And then my body starts trembling ever so lightly. I decide to turn off the lights and lay down in bed, holding a pillow tight and close to me, before finally giving in.

My breath becomes shaky, I grip the pillow harder and blink several times. A first tear slowly rolls down my right cheek. And then another. And another. The tears don't stop and I hide under my blanket, the pillow still close by my side.

Why is nothing wrong? Clearly I don't feel well, so how can it all just be fine? Is there really nothing that could in some way be restraining me? Why are my results at swim meets so bad when there is nothing wrong? Why do I feel as if something were in fact wrong? Since when did I start experiencing emotions like this? What is happening to me?

How? Just how? How can this be?

How did I get into this situation in the first place? And more importantly, how do I get out of it?