The Smile She Gives You

Chapter 23: Questions, Questions, Questions

The one thing that could aggravate everything right now has shown up: questions. Everywhere I go, they somehow pop up and make everything in my life worse.

It all started when my teammates found out. Amy overheard a conversation I had with Jane and got worried about me. Ever since, my teammates have permanently been at my side while at the pool in an attempt to help me. Little do they know that they only make it worse at times. Instead of calming me, they make it more difficult. As I look at them, I remember all the good times we've had as a team and it pains me more and more that I don't fit into the team anymore. They might not notice but sometimes I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from crying.

"They won't leave you alone, will they?", Jane says while I watch my teammates swim from one end of the pool to the other and back. I have lost count of the number of talks I've already had with Jane.
I sigh deeply; "They're like family to me. I've practically grown up with them. And I don't like the idea of not fitting into the family anymore."
"Why would you have that feeling of not fitting in?"

Is this a serious question coming from Jane? Well then I'll reply in the same "matter-of-fact way" that she has just formulated this question: "Don't I seem like a special case to you, sitting here outside of the pool instead of being next to them?"
"So, you see yourself as their teammate?"
What question is that? Somehow Jane's replies are unsettling.
"Well of course I do! We've grown up swimming together. Swimming is our thing. It's the thing that defines us as a team, the thing that we bond over. It's our passio-... passion..."
Why can't I say it anymore?! Why is this happening to me? Why am I starting to have goosebumps and why is my lip trembling lightly? Why did my voice break? Has swimming really become such a pain for me to handle that I can't even call it my passion anymore? If that's the case, then why am I still here? Shouldn't I just quit the team already?...

"Tori, I don't want to pressure you... but I want you to ask yourself this one question: Is swimming really everything that ties you to these people? Is the friendship really worth it then?"
I look up at her with a few tears flowing down my cheeks: "I don't know. I can't tell you that yet."
My voice is shaking so much and my lip continues trembling so that I can't say another word. I pick up my bag and leave, the tears now uncontrollably falling at the sides of my face.

~~~

Assess the impact of war on the consolidation of power for two authoritarian leaders of your choice?

Oh how lovely this task is! How am I supposed to know the correct answer?!

I'm halfway through my finals and it has been a very stressful time. As a result, I've been going to the pool less and less. It's even more of a relief to have more spare time to study but it's also scaring me that not visiting the pool doesn't seem to bother me. What does that mean for me? What will happen?

For now, this doesn't matter. I should focus on getting through my history paper 2 exam for the moment.

~~~

"If you quit swimming, is there anything else you would like to pursue, sweetheart?"
"I don't know, Mum. I really don't know yet..."

We are in my room, sitting on my bed. I've decided to tell my mum first since she is the one who first showed me the world of swimming. With my face buried in her shoulder, a silent sob escapes my body every once in a while.
"Mum, I'm so scared. I don't want any of this to be happening. Why did it happen? Why now? Why can't I just return to my normal life in which swimming brought me so much joy?"

"Honey, this is your normal life now. It's ok to change. And I know it's painful. Many of my friends were there too back when we were on a swim team together. But you won't lose your friends, trust me. You know how I still regularly meet up with my team. And we are so much more than just a swim team! Your team will always support you, no matter what! Even now, they were just trying to help. They only want what's best for you. No one is going to judge you if you leave!"

"I'm just scared. I've always clearly known that I wanted to pursue swimming and make it my career. Now that my finals at school are over, I don't really know what to do. I'veve been focussing on swimming so much, that I don't even know what my score will be like and what possibilities I will have."
"Don't say that, Tori. You studied so much. You invested so much time into it. Ryan was there to help you. That boy truly cares about you and from the way you smile at times, I have a feeling that he really did leave an impact on you. You have people supporting you and you are a lot better than you think. You will have a ton of opportunities."

"I've just been too fixed on a swimming career that I haven't considered many other options yet. What if I rush into things and choose something I don't like?"
"Take your time honey. There's nothing wrong in taking a gap year to reflect on what you truly want to do. Besides, once you decide, it's not like you can't change it anymore. You can always start a new study at university. And you can always change your job later on. Don't stress yourself about it."

I take a deep breath: "I guess you're right."

~~~

I should really worry less and focus on the good things in life. I have loving parents, my friends at school support me, and Amber and Nya support me as well, as best as they can when we meet in our free time. Those people only want me to be happy again. And they are here to help me. What more can I ask for?
My problems are getting less and less. Yes, they are also getting worse and more radical but the most important thing is that they are getting less. I will figure things out eventually. It will all work out! For now I should just be focussing on the good things happening around me.

"Tori, is everything alright?"
I open my eyes and look to my right to see Ryan on the bench next to me. Why is it so common now for me to just get lost in my own world governed by my thoughts?

"I'm fine, thanks. And I mean it."
I really do mean it!
"I'm just enjoying the moment. Thank you for taking me here today."
The small pond we are looking at is very quite. Delicate, white butterflies buzz around us. The sky has a calming, rosy colour and beautiful trees are scattered all around the cozy, small park in the middle of the city. It's almost like a scene stolen from a fairytale. And I know it sounds cheesy but I want to have used this expression just once in my life. This was it! This was the moment that reminded me of a fairytale the most in my entire life.
"I have to thank you for joining me. This place is even more beautiful with you here next to me."
I blush. That's such a sweet thing of him to say. Yes, it's cheesy again, but this moment just calls for it.

After a while of silence, Ryan clears his throat and speaks up again: "Tori, may I ask you something?"
"Sure, anything."

„I just want to say... you have the pretties smile I've ever seen! Back when you didn't have any pain to hide, your smile was so natural and energising. Later on, even when you hid your pain, the smile at the front was still pretty in its own way. It was the smile of a strong, brave woman. And the smile you have now, shows your story. In it, I can see all the emotions you have felt, and I can see that you seem to have a moment to take a fresh breath again. This is the smile that takes my breath away in turn. You have such a unique personality, Tori. I really admire you for your strength and the strength you give others. I also feel happier around you. You add more colour to my world, you really do. No matter how absurd or out-of-date it may sound, I really mean every word of what I just said."

What did I just hear? This is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said about me. I'm absolutely speechless.
"Thanks, Ryan. This means a lot to me."
A moment passes by and Ryan seems to have remembered something: "I got carried away, didn't I? I forgot to ask you my question."
Oh, that's right! Among all those nice things he said to me, he also had a question to ask me.

"So what is your question, Ryan?"
"Tori... I really like you. A lot. I've liked you for quite a while now... And... I guess what I'm trying to say is... Will you be my girlfriend?"