The Smile She Gives You

Chapter 12: Distracted

Lyla's excited voice was still ringing in my head: "I fancy Lukas!"
I don't know what to reply. I have had a crush on him myself for a very long time, there is no denying this. But those feelings have diminished and now I see him only as a friend. Logically speaking, I should not be feeling any pain, hearing those words come from Lyla. But somehow it still feels like a stab in the heart. Is it because I got reminded of how I couldn't confess my feelings to him? Because I was too scared to do something? Too scared of rejection? Do I feel hurt now because I didn't succeed then? Is it because I got reminded of my failure?

"Tori? Are you still there?"

Huh, what happened? Oh, I am still on the phone.

"What do you think about it, Tori?" Her voice sounds uneasy now and there is a hint of worry in it. Is that worry present because I didn't reply? I don't want to cause her any stress.
"Yes, well... Oh, well, I am happy for you Lyla!", I hastily answer. It isn't even a lie. I guess I am happy for her. Feeling down myself is just a bonus. An unpleasant one to be precise.
"Fancying someone is a good thing. It can keep you motivated and depending on how much you interact with them it can make you very happy." This is not a lie either. Words just leave my mouth as I share the good parts of my experience in attempt to hide away the scars caused by the bad parts. Those scars are now wounds that have been opened anew only moments ago.

"Oh wow, I never thought you'd be into something like this, Tori. Sounds like you might fancy someone yourself, is that possible?"
I grit my teeth and close my eyes. She has hit a nerve and it takes all my strength to stop me from crying again. I am not going to tell the truth for this one.
"Funny that you should ask but I don't fancy anyone, Lyla. I just watch a lot of films and series. The kind you are not very fond of."
"Oh... well then maybe I should start watching those too and then I'll be more informed about it. Do you have any specific recommendations?"

Now this is absolutely not what I am aiming for. Sometimes Lyla really does have some difficulty in seeing the lies and sarcasms behind it. But I decide to play along and just forget about it.
"Well there are a lot of romcoms, just start watching does. Look up "teen romance". There are lots of good ones in that category. And there are also quite a few great animes about love but you don't really like them, you've told me before."
"Oh, well that's great! I'll have a look. Maybe not at the animes but I'll look into the films. Thank you, Tori. I'll get going now. See you tomorrow. Bye!"

And before I get to saying anything else, she has already hung up. I lie back down on my bed and sigh. I feel like I'm falling into a deep abyss, an endless void. There is nothing down there, just empty space and not a single emotion left to guide me.

~~~

Monday morning again. I'm stuck in a weekly cycle, living for the weekends and getting drained completely on the other days. The peaceful evening on Sunday is greeted with a horrible morning on Monday. Then comes Tuesday and the weekend still seems completely out of reach. On to Wednesday: almost equally as bad. At some point I reach Thursday and have small spart of hope burning inside me. Friday is motivating since it's the last school day for the week and it's a rather short and pleasant one as well. And then it's finally the weekend. Swim practice and studying. But it's still better than school.

However, this still doesn't change the fact that today is a Monday. The most dreadful day of the week has settled in and will remain in its comfortable seat for another 18 hours. Monday is also the second to worst day in terms of daily schedules.

Routine after routine follows. Mornings at home. Leaving the house. Going to the underground. Changing lines. Walking to school. Lessons after lessons that just won't come to an end. Teachers are talking non-stop. It's as if my body is dragging my lifeless soul through life. I don't want to be where I am but I have to. I don't want to go to school but my legs carry me there. I don't want to take notes but my hand keeps gliding across the screen of my tablet.

It's as if I'm not really there. I barely register what is happening around me and I'm not fully present in my own body. It has become such a habit to me, coming to school and taking notes, that I can simply allow myself to get carried away in my thoughts but still be able to take some notes. It's almost like a fever dream. I am sitting in class but I feel like I am far away from the commotion. Everything is blurry and I don't hear any voices except the teachers' soft murmurs.

Wait! Now there is something else! A faint whisper from far away. What is it saying? Is the voice becoming louder? I can hear my name.
"Tori. Tori? Tori!"

I blink a couple of times. Now the voice is loud and clear.

"Tori!"

Ryan. I turn to my left.
"I'm sorry Ryan. What were you saying?"
Is that I look of worry that I see in his features? What happened?
"I was going to ask you whether you'd like to join me for lunch. We can have another study session today. But I think it'd be better if you took some rest. You seem very tired and a little pale. Are you alright, Tori?"

"I'm fine", I lie. I shouldn't let my guard down in front of others. „Thank you for paying attention to this. But I'm fine, honest. We can study today."
"I would still suggest to take a small break first. The both of us need some rest. Ok?"
"Yeah, that's fine."
If he needs a break I should respect that. The break might even help me as well.

After buying two takeaway salads from the canteen, we sit down on a small table in the school building.
Ryan looks at me, his blue eyes seeming very focused on me and at the same time full of worry.

"I really don't want to pressure you, Tori. I just want to tell you that you can trust me and I will try to help as best as possible. So, is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
I feel my eyes watering up and blink the tears away before they can escape. I have to slightly bite on the inside of my cheeks to keep my voice steady as soon as I reply.
"There's nothing important to talk about Ryan, thanks. I am fine for the moment."
And just like that the truth and my feelings hide behind the lying smile that spreads across my face.