The Smile She Gives You

Chapter 8: What if...?

Image credits: @sinister_flower on Pinterest

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Stop! Please! Leave me be! I need a break!

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The past couple of weeks have been terribly stressful. I can't sit down and catch my breath just for a short and fleeting moment. The never-ending, growing pile of homework and exams is plaguing me, the sets at swim practice get more and more difficult, and my parents are having worse and worse disputes at home.

I am extremely far behind in everything! I have pending homework from a week ago, the exams are not going well and swimming is also not working out.
I can't seem to focus at school no matter how hard I try. Despite a lot of studying and a confident feeling before the exam, there are questions I trip over and loose points for.
Swimming is not working at all either. In the last months we have had three more swimming competitions and I haven't even gotten a personal best anymore. When I swim, I feel like all the air leaves my lungs and the all to familiar burning feeling installs itself in my muscles.
No matter what I do, it just doesn't seem to work out.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just need a day off to have time for rest. But I don't get a day off. I still have heaps of work to do. How am I ever going to finish all of this?

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I get up from bed and turn on the lights. The clock in my room reads 1:25 am. I frown. Why is it so difficult to fall asleep?

I decide to stay awake just a little longer and take time to reflect on my thoughts. In the bottom drawer of my desk I find a book with a dark blue cover that is shut with a lock. A pen is attacked to the side of the book.
Hesitantly, my hand moves up to another, drawer. Is now really the right time to do this? Shouldn't I lie down and try again with falling asleep? But it didn't work, did it. And besides. Tomorrow is Sunday. I didn't intend on doing my morning run anyway so I can easily just sleep in and catch up on the sleep I will miss today.

I open the drawer above and take out a tiny box and open it. A small key appears, set on a small soft cushion. After retrieving the key, I return on my bed, hug a pillow, and then open the diary.

More than half of it is already full. I don't write diary entries or journals on a daily basis but when I have an exciting event to talk about or when I want to order my thoughts, I find it very comforting to write down what is going on.

I click on the pen and hold it to the paper.

28 October, 1:35

Dear diary,

The past couple of weeks, no months even, have been very challenging... I feel like I don't have the time to get work done and my performance in swimming is diminishing. This is why I decided to write down my recent thoughts.

I decide to let my thoughts play and just write down the first thing that comes to my mind in the form of bullet points.

School has been very stressful lately. My grades are going down even though I am studying a lot.

What if I fail the IB in my final year?

I should not be having such thoughts! Let's focus on another topic.

Swimming. The first swim meet went ok. But ever since it has been going downhill... what if I don't get accepted into the London Roar Academy?

The elite academy for young swimmers in the UK.

My childhood dream would be ruined...

I should stop! I shouldn't be thinking so negatively, it will only make things worse! But a part deep inside me revolts against common sense. My hand grips the pen tighter and lets the tip fly across the paper. The text becomes longer and longer. Fights between my parents. Insecurities about myself. Past regrets. My feelings toward other people. My past, my present, and my future. I pour out my heart and soul and quickly fill the pages of my treasured secret book. The questions just keep piling up.

What if my parents really do get a divorce? Would they both move out? Whom will I live with? Will I live on my own? I will be of age this year after all. Would I visit them often? What if they hate each other so much that they never want to see each other again? What will become of our family?

Is it possible that my physique is causing me problems in swimming? What if I am not athletic enough? Do I have to gain muscle? Am I too skinny? Or should I fix my diet? Am I too fat?
What if my grades are sinking because I am not pushing myself hard enough? What if I am not studying enough? Is it because I don't always find the time to do my homework?

What if I would have trained more as a child? I went to swim practice only twice a week until the age of ten and only three times a week until the age of twelve. The best kids today train seven times a week. This is how you become a national record-holder of your age. Why was I so inconsistent back then?
Why did I not study hard at school? Theoretically I did but I never did extra work at home. I could have read more books. I could have read articles. I could have pursued an interest in a specific topic. It would be easier for me if I now know what I want to study. Instead all I know, is that I want to somehow pursue physics. And linguistics. And swimming. Did I waste my time as a child and miss my opportunity?

What if my feelings are standing in my way. I am not always on the same terms with Lyla. Miroslava is closed up towards me. And then there are the boys.
Only a year ago my whole body would have quivered and my heart would have raced just by thinking about Lukas. His curious smile. His calm posture. His pretty eyes. The humorous way of  greeting his friends... but today I just feel an emptiness when I am around him. What if I don't like him anymore? What if he likes someone else? Would this hurt me. Maybe. But maybe not. Because then there is Ryan.

He is very attentive. He is great at cheering others up. He always sees the good in people.
And he is good at listening. Many people love talking about themselves. But not Ryan. He listens carefully and engages in the conversation. He genuinely cares about other people's emotions.
So how exactly do I stand toward Ryan? Is he just a friend? What if I start liking him? Would he like someone like me? Would things be weird if I like him? I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship under any circumstances! Especially not now that I am getting closer to him.

Why is this so complicated! What if I have wasted my past? Why is the present so difficult? Am I overreacting? Will the future be even more complicated? What will happen to me? Do I even want to find out? Is it scary? What if I can't deal with it?

My hand stops. The tip of the pen slightly lifts from the paper. My hand is trembling. I feel something wet on my cheeks. And then the tears start flowing even harder than before. I close my eyes and hold a pillow to my face to muffle the quiet sobs. Why is this happening? Am I too scared? Is that what is holding me back? But why would I be scared? What am I going to do? What if all my goals and dreams get crushed? What if all of this was for nothing?

Stop!

I am not some small whining child that can't do things on her own! Am I really that weak? I can do better than this! There are people going through much more difficult things in life! I am crying over stupid things!

I get up, still holding the pillow tight, and walk over to my desk. The clock now reads 2:20. I lock the diary and gently place it back inside the bottom drawer. After turning off the lights, I lie back down, take three deep breaths and then sigh. I needed this. I listed all of my problems and I realised that I am just being stupid. Things will work out somehow. I will be fine. I have decluttered my mind.

I have told a book about my problems. It can't really answer me and it would maybe be more comforting to talk to a person about this but for now this will do. I have a clearer mind now. Tomorrow is a new day and I will try my luck again.