The Smile She Gives You

Chapter 10: Mixed Feelings

School is very tough these days. And I am not necessarily only referring to the studying. But my relationship to others as well.

Whenever I see Lukas, I don't know what to do. I used to like him a lot only a year ago. However, he never really showed signs of interest. He was just always polite and showed his outgoing personality to everyone. There was never more. I can't really say that he has done anything special for me. But it's also not like I don't feel anything for him. His smile keeps me motivated and his jokes brighten my day.
A big question mark pops up in my head whenever I think about him. What is it about him? Why did I fall for him so easily in the previous year? What do I like about him?

Lukas used to have a girlfriend two years ago. They separated shortly before the end of the previous school year. Ever since, he has been rather reserved towards girls of our age. He talks to us and he is good company but that's it. He doesn't openly discuss his feelings in our group but instead prefers to keep them secret.

I respect Lukas for his decisions but when he is closed-up to such an extent, it makes it all the more difficult to guess what he is thinking about others.
I know that Lukas is very supportive. He cheers me up often when I have bad results at swim meets. He has cheered me up a lot in this season alone. But it's always based on physique with Lukas. Experience is written all over his forehead: he always knows how to give advice about training sessions and how to analyse results. Facts about physical health pour out of him, while he explains how often rest should be taken and what to do when injured.

But Lukas always stays on this factual basis. Ever since his breakup, he has refused to be emotional in front of others. I feel uncomfortable to ask him but it seems very apparent that he has been deeply hurt by his girlfriend and it has left many scars inside him. I just hope one day he finds someone who can make him happy and whom he can trust completely. Lukas deserves to be respected and he deserves to be comfortable with feeling vulnerable around someone he can always rely on.

~~~

"Tori, are you alright? You seem awfully lost in thought."

I lift my gaze from my lunch to see Ryan sitting opposite of me.
"I'm fine thank you. There's just a lot going on..."
"I see... well, good thing we are having another study session in this lunch break. But if it'd help you more, we can also take a small break and talk about something else today."
"That would be nice for a change but the literature test is tomorrow. And I still don't understand what the subplot of Volpone is about..."

Another study session with Ryan. He has been too kind, leaving his personal interests behind and sitting here with me almost every day now to go through whatever problems I have in which ever subject we are studying for. Truly, I should be more grateful that he is always taking his time to help me out! I cannot just keep using him for my own benefits! No, we will take a break today! I will figure it out this evening on my own! It will somehow be fine!

"You know what Ryan? You're right. Let's take a break from studying."
"If you don't understand it we can go through it, it's really not a problem."
"No, no, it will be fine. We shouldn't be studying this much every single day. You deserve to take a break."
"Are you sure about it?"
"Absolutely! There will be no studying during this lunch break."

Today, I want to enjoy my lunch with Ryan without having to worry about any exams and other problems at school. It will be ok, I will manage.
Ryan deserves this break. I am thankful that he always helps out but he shouldn't feel obliged to spend his time helping me out.

"So, what would you like to talk about, Ryan?"

~~~

Once again, my thoughts keep me awake this evening, while I lie in bed.
The lunch break with Ryan was very relaxing today. We talked about our hobbies and activities we do at home. Ryan told me he rarely ever has time for himself at home. Not only is he busy with practicing for his piano lessons but he also has two younger siblings aged 15 and 8 to take care of. His parents used to be away often on business trips and he was left alone with his siblings when he was a little younger. Ever since, he takes special care of his siblings and also helps out his parents wherever he can.

Ryan is very kind-hearted. He helps everyone who is in need. And he manages to balance this with playing the piano professionally and having good grades at school. It's incredibly impressive.
Additionally, Ryan is very patient and friendly towards me. He understands how I feel when I'm stressed, even though I rarely ever talk about it. All the experience he has can be seen when he communicates with others. He always knows how to act when people around him are experiencing a specific emotion. I've seen it before in our friend group. And I've seen how he acts when I'm not feeling well.

Somehow, I feel the need to get closer to Ryan. He is an extremely valuable friend. I've known him for three years now and we've grown close, especially over the last couple of months. Watching his smile gives me a warm feeling. His deep blue eyes glitter when he greets me and his tone is positive.

It's completely different than with Lukas. I like Lukas as a friend and I must admit I fell for his looks and light-hearted jokes.

But Ryan makes me feel different. Whenever I look at him, I see that he is showing his true feelings.

He is affectionate. He is caring. He has his heart in the right place.

And I think he is about to steal my heart.