The Smile She Gives You

Chapter 14: Obscurity

Another day has passed. And another. And another.
Everything seems so grey. I have lost all sense for time. My soul is trapped and my body is starting to give up as well at the point I have now reached. I have completely stopped my running sessions on Sundays. I rarely go to swim practice on Saturday.
But it's still not helping. I still have bad results and I constantly feel exhausted.

"Tori, why don't you get up from the couch and come on a walk with us?"
My mum is looking at me expectantly.
"I would really love to, Mum, but my German exam is tomorrow."
"A small break would do you good, honey."
"Let her relax a while, Bea," my dad joins in, "She needs some time alone so that she can focus on her studies."

My parents leave and I am left alone in the silence of our house. Before I even know it, my eyes have started watering up and the first tear slowly flows down my right cheek. No! I don't want to cry again! I have no reason to do so. Please! I don't want to cry!
Silently, the tears keep leaving my eyes. Why am I so weak and emotional! I just want to peacefully enjoy my small break! But the tears won't stop. And they haven't stop for the past couple of days. Why do I have to cry every single day? Multiple times a day? Why can I not just be at peace?

There is just too much going on. What I need is a day that I can use to fully devote myself to my thoughts without having any obstacles and worries in my way. I just need a day that I can spent alone somewhere. A period of reflection.
But I have already had tons of days like this. I've actively realised that just now. I have spent a lot of time at home in my room crying over the last couple of days. I am a big crybaby and cannot pull myself together. All the discipline I used to have has left my body and now I am just a whining little kid. When did all of this happen? How could I lose myself so badly? I don't know myself anymore!

The girl from a year ago with a lot of ambitions and motivation is gone. The big goals this girl has had are long forgotten. There is no way I will to make it into the London Roar Academy now. There is no way I will one day make it to international competitions and maybe even the Olympics which was my biggest dream yet. This is all not possible anymore. I missed the opening. The moment that I should have finally met the required time to enter the team. The miraculous moment. It's too late now. The moment has passed.
Now I am just some average girl, who like countless others is part of a squad in a regular swim team.

And not only swimming has worsened. I know this. I've thought about it so often. Everything is going downhill. Swimming, school, friendships, family, future plans, my physical state, and even though I don't like to accept it, also my mental state.

Since when did I become such a weakling who is subject to their emotions? Why are my emotions suddenly taking over my life. It was completely different a year ago. Mental health has never been a topic. I have grown up having a happy and carefree life. I have had my problems but they have been rather small and insignificant, and have always had obvious reasons. Those are problems I have been able to resolve. But now, I don't even know what's wrong, let alone why it's wrong.

My phone buzzes.

Lyla again.

I open the message and read her request: the notes from last history class and the exam questions. She has missed the exam because she was apparently sick. That girl is notorious for missing every second exam. Her exam anxiety is immeasurable and I honestly don't know how she wants to write her finals. It's even more controversial, especially because she is a brilliant student.
A brilliant student but a stressed one as well. Lyla is always immensely preoccupied and overdramatises her situation, causing herself more and more stress. Missing exams also causes us problems, her classmates. She misses group presentations and deadlines of group projects. It is getting increasingly difficult to work in a group with Lyla.

But her personal motifs behind it are none of my concern.
And her lack of organisation is not my problem. I'm not feeling like sharing my notes anymore. I always provide her with my notes, with information about the homework, and with other administrative things. It's her own problem that she can't keep order to her school materials and I will not take care of her like of a small child. She should not be dependent on others. For her own good.

After writing a friendly excuse, I put my phone away and sink back into the couch.

I should be doing something useful now. Here's the plan: get food, study for the German exam, maybe read a book to distract myself, or watch a film for the same motive, and finally possibly take a nap.

This plan failed at step two.

After getting some greek yoghurt and fruit for a small snack, I pull out my tablet and books and start going over my notes. As my parents return, I have barely gone through the first chapter, and when my Mum calls for dinner I'm but halfway through. Sighing, I close the book and sit at the dinner table. My parents are arguing over the worst possible issues again. While desperately attempting to block off their raised voices, I poke in my salad. My appetite isn't only gone because of the state I'm in but also because of my parents' disputes.

"Bea, we'll talk about this later."
"Not a chance, Benjamin Wells, you are-"
I look up as my mum stops talking. My father must have interrupted her and now they are both just looking at me. After a few seconds of silence, my dad speaks up: "Is there something you'd like to get off your head, Tori?"
My mum's look displays worry as she adds: "You can share anything with us, Tori my dear."
In the split second before I reply, different thoughts cross my mind: Should I tell them that I am not feeling well? Should I tell them that I don't know what to do? That I always feel down? That I might be a little scared of myself?

My parents have more important things on their minds. They both have challenging full time jobs. They have work to do at home. They have to try and get along well. They should focus on their own relationship before I tell them about my problems. Taking care of their daughter is not a priority. Especially when she is old enough to take care of herself.

For now, I remain in the dark, endless abyss of my worries. But soon enough I hope to be able to find them at the end. The light that I am going towards. The light that will save me. My hope.

"It's nothing, thanks", I reply with a fake smile plastered across my face, "I'm just a little tired."
And just like that, the façade hiding my true self is up again, keeping the outside world away and keeping myself in this cage that settles around me.