Cowboy Diaries - a Jon Bon Jovi fan fiction

25: Staring At Your Window...

3. March 1992, in front of Jon's house

Dorothea's  POV

I stared at Jon's windows. No light could be seen. I already had been there yesterday.

 Every room had been lit up and you could hear the drunk talking and laughing of people, even though you were just standing in his front yard. Yesterday I hadn't had the courage to talk to him. I had wanted to congratulate him, and actually clear things out between the two of us. But I had expected him to be alone. 

The image I had in my mind was that of a lonely, depressive man that didn't even let anyone near his door. Well apparently I was wrong. He had moved on. I should've known it.

Why did I even turn up here, after all this time? What did I expect? There was nothing that could be changed. Too much time had gone by. 

But still something told me that I had to do this. I had to see him. Even if it was just to convince my heart about what I already was sure to know.

I was feared, but my heart was begging to see him. If for nothing else then at least I wanted to know what we had on each other. Did he hate me? Did he want to never see my face again after I hurt and ignored him? Or, deep down I hoped he still wanted me. Because I wanted him, so badly.

I had tried to move on, to forget everything about him and to start a new life with another man. I had tried to love again, I had tried to hate him instead. But it hadn't worked out.

I just needed him. I belonged to him. Deep down I always knew that, even in the moments where I wanted to murder him. But I had been too proud and too hurt to admit it. To myself and to him. But that would change today. I had to do it now.

My heart was beating like a drum as I made my way up to the stairs and in front of Jon's door. Deep down I still prayed that he was asleep, that he didn't hear the doorbell and I had an excuse to not having to talk to him. 

I touched the button and inside I heard the intro of You Give Love A Bad Name starting. Nostalgia hit me. This had been our ringtone since the Slippery era. For seconds that felt like an eternity nothing happened. But then I saw a light flashing on in one of the windows and suddenly the door swung open.

I almost didn't recognize Jon as he looked at me with a surprised but obviously still tired gaze. I never thought the day would come where he would cut off his long hair. Even though I secretly had wished for it sometimes he always had refused to do that, and with the time I had gotten so used to it that I didn't want him any other way. 

Seeing him now just made me clear again how much time had passed and how little we knew about each other's lives. He looked so different. Maybe more serious, more grown- up. But also, I couldn't stop thinking about it, he was so handsome. Yes, he was hungover, his clothes smelled of smoke and alcohol and he had dark circles under his eyes.

But I've never seen a more attractive man. Just seeing him was too much for me. I wanted him to be mine again, I needed him. God I missed him so badly. Even though I told myself not to cry and to stay serious, to access his reaction first before I did anything, I could not help it. 

Tears started to roll and I just wanted him to hold me in his arms, just as he always had done it when I needed him in the past. But I could not just do that. We had become strangers.

I think Jon had the same problem. He looked at me, checking me out if I had changed, even though I hadn't. And then he didn't know what to say or to do. If he should wrap his arms around me or if we've grown too far apart from each other to do that.