Cowboy Diaries - a Jon Bon Jovi fan fiction

19: Starting All Over Again

13. December, Jon's NJ house's basement

Richie's  POV

"No no no, stop it!" I heard Jon shout for what was about the 100th time that day. Tico just rolled his eyes behind Jon's back and I couldn't help but chuckle before giving him a painful look as a sign that I agreed.

"What's your problem now?!" Jon attacked me as he noticed my interaction with Tico. "Am I annoying you? Well maybe you do want to do all the sound management then?"

"I didn't say that." I replied highly offended. "I just don't think there was anything wrong with it. If we keep interrupting every song over and over again we'll never come to an end."

"No there certainly is a problem. Put that guitar down, I don't like it. Try the Stratocaster." Jon commanded as he brought over another one of my multiple guitars. I still didn't know what was wrong with my old Kramer, I loved it to death as I had so many memories attached to it. We had used it for a lot of our hit songs, like Wanted. But I was tired of Jon's mood so I just said nothing and let him do whatever he wanted.

Since he had stopped drinking, he always was so serious and easily got aggressive or offended. I think he still wasn't used to it. Not that we had drunk much during work, but usually we had a few beers to just take a break or to lighten the mood after a long day. But we had agreed on letting go of this habit as it was easier for Jon to resist it then.

Since his depression he had been drinking way too much, and even though he had wanted to stop it had never quite worked. So now we kept an eye on him because he had wanted us to. But right now I just wished he would start drinking some beers with us so we could get out of this awkward mood.

Maybe it wasn't even the beer which was the cause for Jon's attitude. He had changed so much. Yes he'd always been a perfectionist but we still used to joke around during rehearsing or even recording. Now he saw every interaction as a waste of time and he just wanted to play the songs all over again until they were perfect. No improvisations, no extra solos, no added verses.

He had become the total control freak. Tico thought it was because he didn't want something unplanned happening again, like in the night where Alec died. But I still didn't understand his line of thought if it was like this. 

Just because the shooting was during a cover song, we shouldn't do covers or improvisations at all anymore? It made no sense, but I was too afraid to ask Jon because I was tired of arguing.

And like he always loved to remind us, it was his band. And if we didn't like his visions, we could leave.

We had been rehearsing for roughly a week by now, because we still wanted to do that pre-Christmas show. But it hadn't turned out to be that fun like I had imagined it. Of course things would never be the same after losing Alec, it would hurt us forever. 

But I had thought getting the band back together after all these years of not seeing each other properly and bringing in so much new impressions and experience would do the band good.

I actually had thought a comeback would have worked. I know I was being naive as I thought everything would go back to normal between the band when we started getting together again. But I had thought the time away had showed everyone that we still missed each  other at the end of the day and I was so excited to start all over again.

But something was broken. It was not that we hated each other, I mean we wouldn't have agreed on getting the band back together then. Most of the times we even got along quite well, when Jon wasn't in one of his moods again. There was still a spark left, I could feel that. And I wanted to feel the fire too.

But there was a tension, not going away, hanging like a dark cloud above us. Ready to explode into thunder every second. Just as I thought about it I heard Jon complaining again.

"It's not working like that, goddamnit!" I held my breath as Dave asked what his problem was  right now. I was too afraid he would break out screaming again. Grumpy Jon was not easy to deal with.

"First that guitar, now those damn keyboards. How often have I said it, I don't want that 80s sound. I hate it, it's embarrassing. Let's try one more time without the synthesizer sound, just normal keyboards. 

"No Jon, it's enough now." Tico said. Tico usually was the quiet one in the group so I was a bit surprised as he spoke up. But he was also like the father of the band, being the oldest now. He was the one trying to keep us together as we argued.

"There's no use in always trying again and again, you'll never be satisfied." 

"Well I would be if you would just do it RIGHT." Jon interrupted him. 

"Then why don't you tell us what you even want from us? What is right, why is it wrong? 

We can't just read your mind to get out what your vision is. Just say it's too 80s, just tell it beforehand and then we can try to change something in the sound. But we can't look inside your head. You know what, maybe it sounds weird, but I really think we should go seeing someone. As a band of course. I think we all have some problems with each other that we just don't speak out and that we are trying to put away. But if we never talk about that, there always will be that tension. And everyone will see it, just think about the fans. There's no use in continuing like that, it won't work." 

After this sudden little speech, I think we all were too stunned to say anything. Even Jon didn't fight back this time. At first it had looked like he wanted to, but as I saw him processing the information his mood was changing. "You mean a psychologist?" 

"Well, you don't have to call it like that, but basically, yeah. I looked around for some good ones last week and I think I found someone. He doesn't know anyone of us personally, nor is he a fan of ours. I think just getting a neutral opinion won't hurt."

"Well..." Jon thought out aloud, obviously trying not to get mad as if he wanted to prove us that he didn't need any help.

"It's actually a very stupid idea. I went to see a psychologist some time ago. I told him all of my problems, opened up my soul. He nodded, constantly looking at his watch. As he finally said something I though he was giving me my advise now, but no. He just said his time was over, he would get 150 dollar 50 and then I should leave, if I wanted to book another session I should do it." 

I had to admit, I kinda understood how Jon felt about that idea now. He must have felt so betrayed, being ignored. It was the first time that I added something to the conversation, now wanting to know what had happened after that.

"Nothing happened, I screamed at him to get his ass out of my sight and then I shoved the dollar notes into his dirty face." I couldn't help but laugh at that. Jon might seem like the good boy, not being able to even kill a fly, but you better not mess with him. He has one of the most horrifying glances with his piercing blue eyes and being a singer, he knows how to scream. 

Jon chuckled, almost sarcastically, before he muttered "Well, then I broke down and cried before getting another bottle of Jack." I couldn't help but feel bad for laughing now, images of a wasted Jon came into my mind, alcohol bottles laying around everywhere in his house as he sat on the couch next to me and cried.

His aggression had made me forget that he actually had been very broken and unstable. He still was, even though it may have gotten a bit better. But he just tried to hide it with bossing around, not wanting to expose his vulnerable side. 

"I don't want this man to come. He finally concluded. I know I was being an asshole, and I promise it will get better from now on. I know I shouldn't have acted like that, I have to work on that. And I will, we will get out of that. Without a psychologist."

He stresses the last sentence almost in disgust. "So see you again on Monday?" I noticed Tico wanting to say no, obviously not wanting to let Jon get out of that. But I answered that it was alright before he could say anything.

I gave the boys as sign that we would talk about this later. I had a plan.