Cowboy Diaries - a Jon Bon Jovi fan fiction

43: Suspicious Minds

27. October 1992, Kaufman Astoria NYC

Jon's  POV

I searched for her one last time, the last time of about 100s during our show. But of course I was not met with her sight. 

I saw my proud parents smiling and waving, I saw Julie with her little Jonathan in the front row. She was holding him up while his ears were protected by big headphones, but the masses of people and the still concert-like atmosphere didn't seem to bother him at all, I even saw him smiling which really made me want to have kids already, he was just the cutest. 

I took one final moment to take everything in before I left the stage with the rest of my band. One of our crew workers handed me a towel so I could wipe away all the sweat that had build up during the concert. The show had been a success, I thought to myself as I went for the showers, no question. 

Nothing went wrong and I was quite satisfied with the majority of it, it was only bothering me that I hadn't been able to hit that last high note on Bed Of Roses. Usually it was no big effort for me, at least when I was healthy, but today I had just not been feeling it. Maybe because I was still angry at Dorothea, as much as I had wanted to enjoy every moment it hadn't prevented myself from thinking of her while I was singing. 

As angry as I was, I was also worrying about her. And about us, as a family. Ever since a few months into the pregnancy, she was having those mood swings. I know it is normal to some extend, but I noticed us spending less time together where we actually enjoyed each other's company. 

I even feared that bringing our child in this world would somehow worsen our bound. It would be all about the baby, so much work, exciting of course, but challenging too. What if we forget each other during that time? 

The more recent problem was that sometimes I had the feeling she didn't really trust me anymore, just like today as she met Julie. It was as though our past had left some gap that could never be closed through time, and I did not know what to do against it. No matter how I tried explaining it to her, when her insecurity mood came through she changed her attitude towards me. 

There was this mistrust and constant bringing up things of the past. She always seemed to need her reassurance that I still really loved her and never would leave her again, and she never was able to believe that I would never do that to her again. But our past couldn't be changed now. Was it so hard to accept that? 

Sometimes I didn't know what I was supposed to do. And sometimes, god forbid, but sometimes I even wondered if we really had a future again, if our bound still was a stable enough foundation to build on a life together, to set children into this world. 

I was not sure yet if I wouldn't regret it someday. Even though I just wanted every doubt to be not true. There always was that underlying feeling that someday something would break. 

I didn't get reminded of it that often, but it were moments like those, which got more during pregnancy, that make me worry. 

Still lost in my thoughts as I had finished taking a shower, I went to search anyone, be it my parents or somebody of the band. I just didn't like to hang out alone now. Sometimes I needed that, after a show, to come down. But right now I could already feel my bad thoughts taking my good moments away from me, so I needed someone to cheer me up and to talk about the show, because it had been too good for not talking about it.