Cowboy Diaries - a Jon Bon Jovi fan fiction

32: Now And Forever

29. April 1992, Paris, France

Jon's  POV

I watched the flowers hanging from the terrace railing, then turned my head a bit to look at the street, saw all kinds of people and vehicles. Girls with city bikes, kids with scooters or skateboards and of course some cars. 

But it was not like the big annoying streets you had in America sometimes. Maybe it was just because the cafe we decided to stay in was a bit away from the city centre. But the point is that I just loved it here.

I sipped on my coffee, noticed it was still too hot to drink without burning your tongue, so I went back to just watching the scenery. I hadn't even noticed that my mind had drifted off until I felt a touch on my shoulder. I almost jumped a bit. Honestly I had forgotten she sat next to me.

"Hey, what's up?" She laughed, probably amused by my reaction. But then her expression got more serious. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, of course. Everything is fine. ...It's just...Well, I was thinking about our last wedding anniversary." 

Dorothea kept her serious expression. I knew she hated it when I mentioned our past years. The years we spend apart. The years we missed each other. It was a sad feeling thinking back to it. 

I hadn't anticipated to destroy the moment. But still, we agreed we never kept secrets from each other again. What we thought, we said out loud. No lying, no ignoring.

And I couldn't help but think back as it was exact the same day. April 29. I remembered very well how I felt that day. How could I forget? 

I felt the same way for months, if not years. I had lost count honestly. But I remember I was in New York. Usually I never keep in mind in which city I was. But I remember that day because I had seen the Twin Towers. 

I had walked towards them. I had looked up. I could only hardly keep myself from going up. If I wouldv'e jumped when I had been up there, I didn't know. I had been there before and looking down from the top is much more intimidating then looking up is. 

I figured I probably would've been too afraid to do it anyway. Just as I had been too afraid to jump out of a driving taxi on the highway.

But as I mentioned, thank god I didn't go up. In fact I had no idea what I would have done there. I had had no control over my body anymore. Or simply no will to control it. If I died, what did it matter? I had had no one waiting at home for me anyway. 

Who would have cared? 

I swear, if I had seen a car getting closer to me, I would've been to lazy to even move. I wouldn't have cared anymore. I wonder if I had been so cold to let it really hit me, or if my fear would've still set in. 

The fear that reminds me that there is still something worth saving.

Because why would you feel fear if you had nothing to lose? If you didn't care anyway if you died or not. Isn't fear an indicator for the will of life? 

I noticed again how thankful I was for sitting next to my beautiful wife right now. She might have saved me without even knowing. Because even as I hadn't  believed in anything anymore, I still believed in her. 

I had not wanted to accept it because there had been so much anger and hurt. But today I was willing to admit it.

Speaking of, I realized I had been zoning out again, totally ignoring her as I got lost in my thoughts. I felt thankful that she hadn't interrupted me, even though she hated how much I was thinking back to those days. I hated it too. But I had to.