Everything or Nothing

We were Supposed to go Together

Tw// this is a very bittersweet chapter, I don't really know how to tag it without spoiling it, but just... terminal illness, death, and the aftermath of death
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The procedure itself is supposed to last three hours—four at most.

Dazai spends most of it in the waiting room, hunched over, staring at his hands.

He's never been a religious guy. Which is normal for Japan, but shitty in times like this. He knows Chuuya's father raised him Catholic, but fuck if he knows any prayers to offer.

It feels more like...just ejecting his thoughts into a void, silently pleading with some higher power that he doesn't really believe in, but there's some obligation to try.

Because what else can he do, at this point?

He doesn't know how long he sits there like that, just staring at his open palms, silently asking for something when he doesn't even know who he's talking to, when he feels someone sit down beside him.

"...I didn't ask you to come." He murmurs, not looking up.

"I..." Odasaku sighs, struggling for words, as usual. "I know you didn't, but..."

"But what?"

"...I know, after what I said to you the last time we..." Odasaku hangs his head, his hands tight where they're resting against his legs. "I get why you might not want me here, but—"

Dazai's vision blurs slightly, his hands shaking.

"...I thought my baby brother might need me."

Dazai didn't magically stop being angry. It's still there, but—

He slumps sideways, until his head is resting against his brother's shoulder.

He does need him.

"It's not because you feel bad, right?"

"No, no—I mean I do feel bad, but—" Oda bites his lip. "I should have been there last time."

Dazai blinks, trying to follow. "...What?"

"In April, when he was in the hospital the first time—you called me."

"Oh." Dazai frowns, reflexively brushing it off, "You were probably at work."

"Don't do that." Odasaku mutters, looking away.

"...Do what?"

"Make excuses for me..." Oda sighs, shaking his head. "I've been thinking a lot."

Even now, Dazai's lips lift tiredly at the corners. "Oh, no."

Odasaku frowns, but there's affection in his eyes. "Seriously, you always do that."

"What?"

"Assuming that you're the worst person you know." Odasaku explains, staring straight ahead as Dazai slumps against his side. "Makes it really easy to excuse it away when they treat you like shit."

"You didn't—"

"Because you can tell yourself that you deserve it." Odasaku glances down at his shoes. "And I did."

Silence hangs between them, and Dazai doesn't try to deny it again. He already accused him of it that night, at the skating rink.

He kind of knew.

"I'm not..." Oda swallows hard, forcing himself to say it. "I try, Osamu, but...I'm not always a great guy."

"I don't know..." Dazai bites his lip, smiling weakly. "If you asked me when we were little, I would've told them something pretty different."