Everything or Nothing

Collision Course

And when they're back in Tokyo—Chuuya starts trying to act normal, and that makes it worse, because Dazai can tell that he's still hurting.

"Hey," the redhead turns to look at him when they get back to the room, reaching over to squeeze his hand. "You hungry?"

Dazai stares down at it, and his stomach is churning.

Please, don't forgive me.

I really don't deserve you forgiving me.

He swallows hard, shaking his head. "I have a discussion board post I have to do for cellular biology," he mutters, "I should probably get that done."

Chuuya's smile fades just a little, but it never reached his eyes to begin with. "Okay," he nods, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I'll call Yuan. Want me to bring something back?"

Dazai shakes his head, because the only thing he wants is for Chuuya to be mad at him, because the way he's handling this—it's making Dazai feel worse. "I'm fine."

"Okay."

His next session with Fukuzawa, foreseeably, is a doozy.

He finishes the story, and his therapist sits back in his chair, exhaling slowly as his pen stops on the page. "That's...a difficult experience."

"Yeah," Dazai mutters, not lifting his head. At this point, over the last week, he feels like it's become permanently bowed. "I don't know what to do."

"...Do you think Chuuya would understand, if you told him?"

Dazai nods slowly, his hands clenched tightly in front of him. "He wouldn't blame me for something like that."

"Then why not?"

"...I don't want it to change the way he sees me," Dazai admits, knowing how stupid that sounds.

"Has it changed the way that you see yourself?"

Dazai nods, the corners of his mouth tight. "You could say that."

"What changed?"

Dazai stares at his hands. "I... used to think I was put together, I guess."

When the drinking stopped. When the cutting stopped. When he found less obviously destructive coping mechanisms. He thought that meant he was normal, because everyone has problems. Everyone's a little sad. It was fine.

But now? He feels like a huge fucking mess. And he just... Doesn't want Chuuya to know that.

"...Do you think it might be easier if Chuuya knew how you felt about him?"

Dazai bites his lip so hard, he thinks the skin might break "I don't know. But I sure as hell don't think he'd believe me now."

Fukuzawa sets his pen down. "Have you thought about bringing him to a session?"

Dazai stares at him, finally looking up. "What?"

"Sometimes it can be easier, in a controlled environment."

Dazai swallows hard, shaking his head. "I wouldn't want to tell him like that."

"Why not?"

Dazai rubs the side of his neck, "It's not really romantic."

"Are you usually the romantic type?"

"No—but he is, and..." Dazai shrugs. "I just don't wanna do it like that."

"But you want to tell him?"

"...At this point I think I have to," Dazai admits softly.

Fukuzawa sits back, "Then what's stopping you?"